Musings
by snowberryrose
Summary: Stories and reflections that come to me as I watch and re-watch HZGG, including the newest version
1. Second Chances: XinRong and ZiWei

AN: So I decided to give the new HZGG try and it wasn't quite as awful as I anticipated. I was quite amused by it actually and liked all the additional sappy scenes, especially between Qing-er and XiaoJian. There's something to be said about a white guy who speaks such good Mandarin as well. But there's a scene between ZiWei and XinRong that wouldn't leave me be. ZiWei and Qing-er was trying to convince XinRong not to marry Yongqi because he was already in love with XYZ and wouldn't bring her happiness. XinRong, on the other hand, pointed out that she's marrying not for love or happiness but for status and position and that ZiWei and Qing-er should do the same. She even implied ZiWei was a scarlet woman for thinking about love so much. As much as I don't like her character, I can't help but feel sorry for her. Especially later in the show when Yongqi finally does the deed with her when she gets him intoxicated and the entire time he's saying XYZ's name and thinks XinRong is XYZ. It's her own fault, but that's an awful thing for any woman to experience, especially her first time. Regardless, enough rambling on my part…on with the story that wouldn't leave me alone.

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Five years had passed since Yongqi left the Imperial City. True to his word, the Emperor had announced that the beloved Fifth Prince had passed away from an early illness. The whole court went into proper mourning and the truth was never mentioned or discussed in public. Nonetheless, ZW and EK made certain to pass on news discretely whenever they received letters from DaLi. HS was gladdened to hear tales of XYZ being kept busy by her twins who both inherited her spiritedness and that YQ had become a well-loved and respected teacher in the school XJ established. LFY likewise felt soothed that XiaoJian was providing well for Qing-er and that Qing-er also had a son and daughter (whom XYZ did indeed nickname Little Moon) to keep her company. Over the years, LFY had come to love ZW, in whom she saw many of the same characteristics as Qing-er. She was especially glad whenever ZW brought her son, the darling of the Fu family, to visit. This particular day, Ling Fei also brought 15-A-Ge and LFY felt less lonely with the laughter of children ringing around her. When the children were laid down for their afternoon nap, the three women took a welcomed tea break. After sharing the latest news regarding the ones in DaLi, ZW gently excused herself to visit Shu Fang Zhai and share the news with the six loyal servants.

LFY smiled at her grand-daughter's retreating back and said to Ling-Fei: "That ZiWei, her kindness is truly an inspiration. I have never seen servants as loyal as the six from Shu Fang Zhai. Everyone from the royal kitchen to the physician's helpers speak of her gentleness and how she treats everyone so fairly."

Ling Fei nodded: "She is truly an example for the rest of us. All the other Ah Ge's, Ge Ge's, and Niang Niang's have started treating their servants better because they see how devoted the Shu Fang Zhai six still are."

LFY sighed: "I hope that maybe she can help XinRong. Since YuFei passed this past year, the poor girl has secluded herself and little MianYi. I can't help but feel responsible since it was I who appointed that ill-fated marriage. I didn't understand then, but I think I do a little more now the happiness that mutual love can bring to a marriage. Just seeing ZW and EK together makes me glad that my Qing-er also has someone."

Ling Fei replied: "LFY, you mustn't blame yourself. XinRong is still young, she might still have a chance at happiness. I heard that Mongolia's third prince was must taken with her while he visited two years ago."

LFY nodded: "So he was. Somehow I managed to convince her to dance at the banquet. HS mentioned that the prince asked for her hand in marriage, but she declined and said she needed to wait on her mother-in-law. Now that YuFei has passed, perhaps she'll finally agree."

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The object of the ladies' conversation was at present sitting in a padoga in the Imperial Gardens. Ever since HS declared YQ's death, she often found herself at the padoga. The years had been kind to XinRong and she still retained her beauty. She held on stubbornly to her pride and tried to convince herself that her status as Rong Qing Wang Fei was enough, but her eyes held a certain sadness and wistfulness that grew more pronounced whenever she saw EK and ZW together at Imperial functions. She looked around the padoga and smiled sadly at the irony that she had chosen the location to be her refuge. She still remembered how ZW and Qing-er had tried so hard to convince her not to marry Yongqi in the same location. How blinded she had been to her own self-righteousness, to her expectations of a lofty future that seemed so certain. It had taken her years to come to grips with the reality that YQ wasn't coming back, not for her, not for Yu Fei, and not even for MianYi. She had initially been filled with anger and bitterness and a wild jealousy and purposefully made snide comments about ZW both to her face and behind her back. She took a certain twisted pleasure in seeing ZW's smiles fade and EK's whole body tremble with suppressed rage. But ZW never fought back but would rather clasp onto EK's hand and gently shake her head at him. EK would look at her concernedly but sigh and let the comments pass. The envy she felt at their unspoken communication and closeness only made her comments more biting and acid until even LFY made a note to admonish her in a private audience. Poor YuFei lived in a haze after YQ left and was oblivious to XinRong's troubles. XinRong did her duties and took care of her mother-in-law, but it was a relief when the poor woman finally closed her eyes for the last time. Her musings were interrupted when she heard the sound of footsteps passing through the garden. She looked out from the padoga and saw ZiWei walking through on her way to Shu Fang Zhai. Impulsively, XinRong called out: "Zi Wei Ge Ge, won't you join me for a cup of tea?"

Both Zi Wei and Gui Mo Mo looked at XinRong in shock, but years of conditioning took over and GuiMoMo approached the table to set up another place set. ZW blinked at XinRong for a split second but then quickly recovered. She approached the padoga with a warm smile, greeted XinRong kindly, and thanked Gui Mo Mo for her service.

Gui Mo Mo muttered the proper greetings and then returned to her post near the entry into the padoga, just far enough for propriety, but close enough that she would hear any conversation.

ZW took a sip of her tea and patiently waited for XinRong to speak first.

XinRong looked at ZW's serene face and said: "ZWGG, you must be wondering why I called you over."

ZW nodded: "I must admit, I am quite curious. We have never been…friendly…with each other."

XinRong laughed dryly: "No, we haven't. I have given you many reasons to hate me."

ZW, however, shook her head: "I don't hate you."

XinRong looked surprised: "Why not? I stole your sister's husband, I insulted your honor, I hinted at your mother's looseness, I made insinuations about EK's intentions…I still remember the words from years ago, about how I of all people should be clear on who stole whose husband."

ZW shrugged: "What would hate do really? I admit I was deeply hurt and I think EK wanted to do you serious harm consequences be damned, but what would it have solved? Nothing. At the end of the day it was your choice and though you ruined my dear sister's happiness, I didn't think you would have gained much happiness for yourself. In truth, though I was upset, I also pitied you."

XinRong smiled humorlessly: "You pitied me? Who would have thought? At the time, I had pitied you for your delusions of love. You had no official title, never mind that everyone addressed you as Ge Ge. Without the Emperor, you had no influence or position at this court. And me, though I wasn't really a Ge Ge, I had my family's influence and my father's position. I was certain to be if not Empress, then at least a Wang Fei someday. But as things turned out, you still ended up winning."

ZW shook her head: "XinRong, it's not about winning or losing."

XinRong replied: "Oh, I know you don't see it that way. I see you and EK together. Your happiness is so obvious a blind man can see it. I know you care nothing for position or influence or power and goodness knows why, neither does EK. Nonetheless, HS favors you two, especially since YQ left. Strange, you two who care so little for material wealth hold the most sway at this court should you choose to use it. With the Empress pretty much under house arrest, Ling Fei is Empress in all but name. LFY has even come to dote on you. And yet, you go through life blissfully unconcerned. You don't play the politically name. You're maddeningly nice to EVERYONE. Sometimes, I really don't understand you."

ZW smiled gently: "Like I said, XinRong, it's not about winning or losing. The greatest joy I have is being able to spend my life with the one I love and to bring cheer and happiness to those I care about. If somehow me being nice can bring everyone closer together, make this family more cohesive, and create a better home in the Palace for everyone, then I thank the heavens for giving me the opportunity to do so. I only hope someday you can find the same happiness."

XinRong took a sip of her tea: "Sometimes, ZWGG, I truly think we're from two different worlds. But you might be right. It's taken me years to come to grasp with this reality. But I've thought about your words from long ago, about how every woman needs a man who will wholehearted love her and her only. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, but these past few years, I've seen the truth. You and EK have shown me the truth…There's something I've never told anyone, but somehow I feel the need to share it with you."

ZW softly interjected: "Are you sure you want to share it with me?"

XinRong nodded: "It's hard to admit that I'm wrong, that I've been wrong about everything, but yes. I think I need to get this out in the open."

ZW nodded but gestured subtly in Gui Mo Mo's direction.

XinRong caught her movement, turned to Gui Mo Mo, but directed her words at ZW: "I don't mind. I think she needs to hear this too. I thank her for all the help and support she's given me over the years, but I think she needs to understand as well."

ZW nodded again: "If you're certain."

XinRong turned back to ZW: "I am. I remember I told you and Qing Ge Ge that you two should forget about love and focus on more important goals. And I truly believed it, at the time. But even before YQ was…gone…I began to doubt. You probably wondered, given how much YQ loves…_her…_how he could have given me MianYi. If he hadn't touched me on our wedding night, how then could he do such a thing after he had run away with _her_ oncealready? And I have to tell you, he couldn't. He tried to, but he couldn't do it. Gui Mo Mo had to give me a special wine that made him hazy for him to actually have relations with me. ZWGG, I had accepted that he didn't want me. But I thought as a man he would be able to complete the deed. But I underestimated his love for _her. _And even then, the name on his lips wasn't mine, it was _hers_. The whole time, I told myself that it didn't matter, nothing mattered, I just needed to have his child, then everything would be secured. My position, my future, everything. But it hurt. I didn't want it to, but it hurt. Not just physically…I have my pride too, any woman does. And to have him think of me as someone else…I knew I didn't have his love, but I didn't even have his lust! I know, this topic is not one for polite company and I am sorry if I embarrassed you, but I just needed to share it with someone. I have held this hurt within me for years now. Every time I look at MianYi, I see my hurt, my shame, and my own stupidity. He is my son, but he is so like his father. He looks at me with those eyes and I can't bear to grow close to him, knowing it's my fault he's growing up without a father, that it's my mistake bringing him into this world….I know that YQ didn't really die. I know where he is. I know he's happy…with _her_. And I know he's not coming back. YuFei told me that YQ told her, when MianYi was born, that he was a present. She thought nothing of it at the time, but when YQ left, she understood. And it's all my fault…"

ZW was touched by the genuine sorrow XinRong was showing. Over the years, ZiWei had given little thought to XinRong beyond a staunch refusal to let the young woman's words and behavior hurt her. As the words poured out of XinRong, however, ZiWei couldn't help but feel immense sadness. She thought of her mother, who waited a lifetime for a love who never returned. 'But at least there was love,' ZiWei thought to herself, 'XinRong doesn't even memories of love to hold on to.' In that moment, ZiWei saw clearly the tragedy of both XinRong and YuFei's fate. She moved to sit next to XinRong and wrapped her arms around the grieving WangFei.

The warmth of ZiWei's arms seemed to open a floodgate and XinRong clung on to her and sobbed. Years of pent-up tears rolled down her face. The whole time, ZiWei just gently held XinRong and allowed her to release her frustrations. After a while, XinRong quieted and drew away from ZiWei: "You must think me ridiculous. It might even be a victory to you, to see me without my pride."

ZiWei only handed XinRong her handkerchief to dry her tears and said: "No, I feel no victory, only sadness for you. For all the women in this gilded jail of a Palace who share your fate. It only makes me treasure my good fortune more. I also feel a certain pride for you; admitting to one's mistakes is not an easy task. Showing your emotions to one you perceive to be an enemy must be difficult as well. Sometimes I think the big problem in the palace is that everyone keeps their emotions behind masks, I don't think it's a healthy way to live. But XinRong, it's not too late for you…HAM mentioned that the third Mongolian prince sought your hand in marriage. From what I could see, he seemed must taken with you and seemed to feel genuine affection for you. HAM told him you needed time and he has patiently waited for your answer."

XinRong sighed: "You fought for your happiness ZWGG, you deserve to have the joy that you do. As for me…I don't know if I deserve a second chance at happiness."

ZW replied: "Everyone deserves a second chance. Of course, if you feel nothing for the Mongolian prince, then you're in the right to refuse."

XinRong looked at her thoughtfully: "I don't know if I feel anything for him or not; I'm not used to consulting my emotions on issues such as this. I have heard that he is a good man. I can also tell from the way he treats his servants and their loyalty to him. I know he has yet to wed either. But if I go to Mongolia, what will happen to MianYi? I am not close with my son and while he pays his respects to me, he does so seemingly mechanically, not like the way Dong-er's eyes glow whenever he sees you. I don't think he will miss me terribly if I go. It's not like I can bring him along with me…what man will want to raise a son not their own? Besides, what of MianYi's status?"

ZW shook her head: "You might underestimate this prince. I heard he is already raising his late sister's child, a daughter. If he truly cares for you, then he should also care for MianYi. As for MianYi's status, I don't think it will change whether or not you marry. HAM treasures him too much to let his status be shaken. Besides, this way, the prince will not have to worry about MianYi's future or the possibility of MianYi stealing the position of any sons the prince fathers."

XinRong shrugged: "Maybe…maybe I'll give him a chance."

ZW nodded: "Not just him, XinRong, also give yourself a chance at happiness. I have already forgiven you; I don't think I ever truly blamed you. Now you must forgive yourself. I think you have paid enough for your mistakes. Don't let MianYi carry the burden as well; he is just a child, and children need to be loved."

XinRong smiled sadly: "Love? Sometimes I wonder if I am possible of the selfless kind of love you possess. Every decision in my life has had ulterior motives, I don't know if I can love so blindly."

ZW reached out to grasp XinRong's hand: "But you must try. For MianYi's sake and for your own. And I'm sure YQ would have wanted you to be happy too. I truly believe even XYZ would have wanted you to have a chance."

XinRong nodded: "I will try. I have no great hopes of succeeding, but I will try. Will you help me? Will you bring Dong-er to visit? I think MianYi is too much alone for a child of his age. Maybe it'll do him good to have friends."

ZW smiled: "Of course. I can ask no more of you than trying."

XinRong sighed, but this time the sigh seemed not one of sorrow but one of relief: "ZWGG, thank you."

ZW looked bewildered: "Whatever are you thanking me for?"

XinRong replied: "For giving me a second chance, for convincing me that my story also deserves a happier ending."

ZW smiled warmly: "Are we not family? You were, after all, married to my brother. That makes us sisters too. I would do no less for any sister and friend."

XinRong asked: "Are we friends?"

ZW: "Maybe not yet, but I think we will be. We have no need for the ghosts of the past to haunt us."

XinRong smiled: "I think I'd like that."

ZW nodded: "Good. Now, I'm afraid I must take leave of you, the six at Shu Fang Zhai are still awaiting news from me."

XinRong nodded: "Then I shan't keep you."

ZW rose from her seat, bid XinRong good-day, and turned to resume her walk to Shu Fang Zhai. At the padoga's steps, she paused briefly and turned to Gui Mo Mo: "Gui Mo Mo, thank you for your care of my sister. I know I don't need to tell you to keep helping her, but please, also take care of yourself."

As ZW's figure faded from view, Gui Mo Mo approached XinRong, who turned towards her with a smile: "Gui Mo Mo. You needn't worry any more about me. ZWGG has convinced me. I know you are suspicious of others and their hidden motives, but I know ZWGG truly wishes me well. In some ways, I'm glad she left this Palace when she married; she is far too kind and sees too much good in people to belong to this place of many sorrows. But perhaps her hope is truly possible, perhaps our way of life can truly be changed. Perhaps I too have choices and power over my fate. Come, let us go visit MianYi. If I am to learn to love, then he is a good starting point."

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Months later, as XinRong dressed again in bridal red, ZW was with her. The atmosphere for the second wedding seemed much different than the first. The bridegroom did not seem like he was walking towards a funeral but truly seemed happy, as though he had won a great prize. The bride herself also smiled with true joy. While she certainly didn't love the prince with the intensity ZW and EK shared, she respected him and was fond of him and was hopeful that the feeling would turn to love someday. Most of all, she was proud of her much improved relationship with her son. MianYi stood next to his new father as the prince accepted congratulations and well-wishes and also had a smile on his face. The child had truly grown to idolize the prince who showed genuine affection for him. Right before the time for XinRong to alight the carriage that would take her to a new life, the bride held ZW's hands: "Thank you ZW, thank you for everything."

ZW smiled: "No need to thank me. YQ and XYZ also wish you joy. YQ wrote a letter for MianYi, please be sure to get it from me before you have to leave for Mongolia. It's up to you how much you want to tell the child. But I think one day he will ask. YQ felt it was important to explain and to tell him that his birth father loved him. I think it will be more bearable for MianYi to have a father now."

XinRong smiled: "It's strange to be marrying again, while knowing my first husband is still alive. But ZW, I feel no shame or guilt. Is that not strange?"

ZW chuckled: "Not strange at all. Go, XinRong, or you'll miss the carriage. It's time for your own happy ending. No, that's not right. It's not an ending, but a new beginning. XinRong, I wish you joy."

XinRong gave ZW a quick hug before the maids lowered the red clothe that obscured her from view. As ZW watched XinRong's departure from the doorway, EK came to join her.

EK: "You have accomplished a great feat. I'm so proud."

ZW turned towards him and smiled: "I did it in part for MianYi's sake, and for my brother's. Even for XYZ's sake. She wrote to me about her concerns. YQ carries a great deal of guilt still, especially once he knew of YuFei's passing. I think he will let those worries rest now. But I also truly believe everyone deserves a second chance. For all her faults, XinRong should have a happier ending. This palace is too full of sorrows for one so young."

EK held her hand: "ZW, I admire you for your kindness and willingness to forgive. I can't help but be reminded of our wedding. If the prince is half as happy as I was that night, then XinRong will have a good life."

ZW looked at him lovingly: "I don't think even the bride can be as happy as I am to be with you and Dong-er, and our little one."

EK looked at her in shock: "ZW? Our little one?"

ZW blushed but smiled: "Yes, I believe it's time Dong-er had a younger sibling."

A huge smile spread across EK's face: "Come! Let us find my wayward son and tell him that he'll be a big brother soon!"

ZW laughed: "Indeed, I fear for the kind of scrapes he and 15-A-Ge can get up to when left together. He is most definitely your son!"

EK laughed and hand-in-hand, the couple went to find their family to share the good news.


	2. Hands: Qinger and XiaoJian

**Qing-er (NHZGG)**

Sometimes she looks at her hands and feels the gentle calluses on her palms. No longer were they the soft, white, petal-like hands from when she lived in the Palace. The heaviest labor she had done was wringing Lao Fuo Ye's hand towels or walking throughout the Imperial City on various errands regarding various light packages. Even then, there were always maids who trailed after her like ducklings behind the mother duck. Prior to meeting XYZ and ZW, she had rarely worn the clothes of the common people or walked the streets of the capital city. It could be said that she lived in a sheltered bubble. Safe, yes, but rather bland. But it didn't occur to her to question the day to day sameness until XYZ, ZW, and later, Xiao-Jian, burst into her life. As LFY's favorite, she had the best education and the best training in history, language, art, music, and everything that made her cultured and worthy of being part of the Imperial family. For all her readings and all her logic, however, her heart still yearned for something. Perhaps because she was almost always alone; LFY's favor and her own tragic past put a space between her and everyone else. But she felt the yearning lesson a little during that night with the moon and snow with Er Kang. Perhaps that is why she clung to the idea of EK and loving him during all the years she was away from the Palace. When she returned, she wasn't expecting anything to change; nothing really changed in the Palace, after all. But change found her anyways. She was fascinated by XYZ and ZW. During the trip south with the Emperor, she became friends with them and felt the emptiness subside a little more. When they included her in their secrets, she experienced the closeness that comes with true friendship and sisterhood. When she realized that Xiao-Jian meant more to her than anyone else in her life, even LFY, she finally realized what she had wanted her whole life.

So, she looks at her hands and feels the gentle calluses and thinks of all the changes in her life. Since coming to DaLi, she has learned to take care of house and home. She learned to cook, to clean, and to manage household finances. XiaoJian was a patient teacher, but he also had his own responsibilities of running the school and keeping watch over all the Xiao family investments. So she applied her intelligence to something besides books and facts and reasoning and learned to savor the taste of a meal she prepared and take pleasure in seeing her loved ones wear the clothes she helped mend. Each day was filled with routine tasks but also with new adventures. After all, life never stays dull with XYZ around. Besides, once XiaoJian realized how well she tutored XYZ, she also had other girls from the city to teach. Her life and her heart were both finally full.

Sometimes XiaoJian catches her glancing pensively at her hands. In the beginning, he would hold them in his hands, roughened by martial arts training and strengthened by hard work, and look at her apologetically. The Xiao family was by no means poor, but it was a change from her first home. Their chairs were made of solid wood, certainly high quality wood that made for sturdy chairs, but nothing like the elaborate gold embossed ones from the Palace. He would apologize for taking her away from a life of luxury and gently kiss her fingers and each callus. He would thank her for choosing him and for sharing her life with him. She would smile at him gently and let their fingers twist together. She would tell him that she doesn't mind, that she'd gladly trade all the material wealth for the true happiness of being with him and, later, their children. She didn't think he believed her, especially when he offered to hire a maid to help her with the household tasks, an act quite uncharacteristic as he truly believed in the value of hard work. But she refused. She was capable, she said, and it was a fun adventure. Over time, XiaoJian verbalized fewer apologies, but he still held her hands in his and kisses each finger lovingly.

Over the years of their marriage, they both learned to hide less from one another. They learned to share their innermost thoughts and ideas. They had both been lonely children who had learned at a young age always to present a brave front to the world. They had to learn to allow the other to see their fears, their uncertainties, and their moments of weakness. He learned to share his plans and discuss them with her and she learned to insist on an equal partnership. So, now when XiaoJian caresses the calluses on her hands, she would remind him that they represent the couple's shared burdens. He would look at her with such tenderness that her heart overflows and she feels immense joy that only she gets to see this side of him.

Sometimes at night, as she lay wrapped in XiaoJian's embrace and listens to the strong beats of his heart, she would hold his hands in hers and trace each scar and each mark. She would marvel at how tiny her hands seem when compared with his, at how his strong hands can be so gentle with her. She remembers how his hands grasped hers tightly and anchored her to him on their wedding night and how softly he traced her face the next morning. She looks at the hands that protected them so well while they were running for their lives and feels overcome with emotion that those same hands can speak to her with such deep tenderness, love, and passion. When XiaoJian catches her holding his hand, he would draw her closer to him and press a soft kiss onto the scar on her shoulder. It became their unspoken message of love and remained a reminder of all they had conquered to be together. Qing-er would smile up at XiaoJian, a smile that he would return. More often than not, he would pull her closer, kiss her with all the love he holds for her, and then their hands would once more anchor each other.

She never regretted leaving her old life. As she sings the songs they all wrote together, she smiles at how riches and wealth means nothing but only true affection and mutual love made a home. She no longer had the hands of a privileged lady, but she had never felt so content.

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AN: I have to say that my favorite parts about the new version of HZGG are the scenes between Qing-er and XiaoJian. Sometimes I feel that their story gets overshadowed by the more dramatic ones of XYZ & YQ and ZW & EK. Qing-er in particular seems almost shadowed by the more complicated situations regarding ZW and XYZ's statuses. She has shown time and again that she has a quiet strength that makes her more than a match for XiaoJian. This is my tribute to them. Inspiration from a scene when HS brought the Shu Fang Zhai servants to try to convince his children to return home and they remarked on how roughened ZW's and Qing-er's hands had become from their travels and from working so hard in the dumpling shop.


	3. Bride: Ling Fei, XYZ, ZW

After the dramatic and disgraceful fall of the Empress and Rong Mo Mo, Ling Fei took over the management of life in the Palace. The increase in her responsibilities gave her unprecedented power; she was empress in all but name. As such, many of the other concubines muttered darkly about her unworthiness. _She _wasn't from a good Manchu family, they whispered, but from an uppity Han family. Despite generations of loyal support for the Ai Xin Jue Luo clan, her family did not have the blood of the Manchu running through them. Many of the concubines had already been dissatisfied with the Emperor's favoring of Ling Fei but now that she was second in power only to LFY, those resentments deepened. In addition, Ling Fei's son, though still a baby, was seen as a threat to the other A Ge's. The close relationship between Ling Fei and the Fu family, which has also received unwarranted favor from the Emperor, made for even more jealousy. Now that Zi Wei Ge Ge was to marry Fu Er Kang, Ling Fei seemed unstoppable.

Of course, even the most envious concubine would agree that the marriage between ZWGG and EK was heaven set; anyone can see they pair was well matched. Though ZWGG's mother was only from a middle class Han family, the princess had royal blood running through her. In some of the concubines' eyes, even a royal bastard had more claim to the family than Ling Fei. Besides, ZWGG's royalty was obvious in all who met her. She had impressed everyone from the lowliest servant to the most old-fashioned official with her patience, her many talents, her great ability to forgive, and her strength in handling every challenge that came her way. When even Rong Mo Mo bowed to her and forbade others from speaking badly of her, never mind that RMM herself had been the chief instigator of attacks on the lady, everyone in the Palace knew ZWGG was a force to be reckoned with. Besides, all the royal children loved their ZW jie jie (older sister) and the sure way to any concubine's heart was through her children. No, ZWGG was no threat. No matter how much elevation the Emperor gave Er Kang, he would only be an official and no threat to the A Ge's chances at the throne. In addition, Er Kang was widely recognized for his talent. If the concubines could not secure him as the husband for their own daughters, at least he will always be connected to the Royal family and work for the Qing dynasty's best interests. Minus the few who would complain no matter what, the concubines for the most part had little complaint regarding ZWGG and Fu Er Kang's marriage.

Ling Fei herself was not oblivious to the courtly grumbles. Secrets never stayed secrets for long in the Palace but almost always became rumors. She knew of the discontent of many concubines from high ranking Manchu families. She did not climb to the top, into the spotlight of the Emperor's favor, solely based on her ability to please the Emperor. She was well versed in courtly politics and knew that the first rule of survivor was discretion. So, though she knew she held the power of the empress now, she did not flaunt her authority. Instead, she made sure to defer to LFY and follow the older woman's suggestions. She warmly congratulated the other concubines when the Emperor turned his eyes on them and always made sure to treat all the Royal children equally and kindly. She asked for advice from the older concubines, both regarding palace matters as well as in raising her own children. Through it all, she smiled and remained demure despite all the negativity she knew surrounded her. LFY saw Ling Fei's behavior and contrasted it greatly with the Empress's jealousy and cruelty and felt satisfied that the Palace finally had such a calming and understanding influence. Indeed, LFY saw in Ling Fei some of the same gentle authority that the original Huang Hou, who had passed away years ago, possessed. Despite Ling Fei's lack of Manchu blood, LFY trusted in the concubine's honesty and competency. Once the other concubines saw that Ling Fei had both the Emperor's and LFY's approval, they decreased their grumblings. Over time, as Ling Fei continued to mind her own business and not interfere with the other concubines unless it was necessary, the grumblings seized. The ones who had complained the most took comfort in the fact that the Emperor showed no sign of officially giving Ling Fei the Empress's title.

Fortunately, by the time the day of ZWGG and HZGG's double wedding drew close, all the courtly grumbles had mostly subsided and the family seemed at peace at last. After all, it was awfully bad luck to have any sort of discord to mar the auspicious event. A few days before the wedding date, Ling Fei arrived at Shu Fang Zhai to speak with the two girls who had become like her own daughters. Though HS gave the responsibility of organizing the event to Fu Lun, EK, and YQ, it was Ling Fei's role to make sure the girls understood the expectations of being a bride. After she had introduced the two women who would be with ZW's and XYZ's personal wedding maids for the day and reassured them that they would always have someone to help them through the various wedding rites, she dismissed the other servants for a private talk with the girls.

Ling Fei held the girls' hands and smiled a true smile of congratulations: "ZW, XYZ, I am so happy for both of you. ZW, I will miss our presence in the Palace, but I know you will be happy with EK. Please, don't forget to visit. 9-Ge-Ge will keep asking for you. XYZ, you and YQ have been through so much, I'm glad you two will have your happy ending as well. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to find me."

ZW and XYZ glanced at each other then smiled gratefully at the woman who had become like their mother.

ZW spoke: "Niang Niang, you are one of the reasons that XYZ and I are able to obtain our happiness. We could not have made it without your support."

XYZ nodded in agreement: "Even though I made an enemy of HHNN from the first moment I entered the Palace, you still tried all you could to protect me. XYZ is not one to forget such kindness."

Ling Fei smiled and released the girls' hands to dab at her eyes: "Oh you two. I have never known such emotions and such adventures since you two entered my life. And now you've grown up and are getting married! I can't believe how fast these two years have passed…But enough of tears and thanks. We are family; we have no need to be so overly courteous. I have come today not only to give you my congratulations but also to give you some forewarning…I'm sure you're both excited about your wedding, goodness knows EK and Wu A Ge have both seemed like they're floating on air ever since LFY and HS announced the date of the auspicious event, but there are some things about being a bride that I must explain to you."

ZW, ever sensitive, understood at once Ling Fei Niang Niang's message. She blushed but shyly nodded.

XYZ, however, was never one for reading between the lines: "Niang Niang, it's alright. I know that we'll have the wedding maid with us. I don't think even I will be able to make mistakes with someone whispering instructions to me the whole time."

Ling Fei blinked at XYZ: "Well, I'm not worried so much about you making mistakes, XYZ. I know you will be fine with the rites. I'm speaking of…well…after the rites, when you and Wu A Ge are…alone."

XYZ blinked her big eyes at her: "Alone?"

Ling Fei shifted a little uncomfortably: "Uh…yes…alone. You see, XYZ, I've come to speak to you not about the wedding so much as about the wedding night."

ZW blushed a deeper shade of red at her words, but XYZ merely blinked again: "Wedding night?"

Ling Fei nodded: "Well, yes. This is not a pleasant topic for any of us. But, well, LFY thought it'd be better coming from me because of our close relationship. And, well, we can't send you two off to be married without some forewarning." She took a deep breath: "XYZ, ZW, I don't know how much you know about … about the relations between a man and a woman?"

By this point, poor ZW's face was a nice crimson hue to match the flowers in her headdress and XYZ was finally beginning to understand Ling Fei's meaning.

XYZ blinked a third time and let out a quiet: "Oh." Then, she too blushed.

Ling Fei was startled at this uncharacteristically demure response and softly cleared her throat: "Well..umm..see, there's this white clothe for the night and well, in the morning, LFY is sure to inspect it in the morning to make sure that … that the deed was done and that you two are properly married."

XYZ let out a squeak and immediately started pacing the room. ZW by now had hid her face behind her hands.

As XYZ paced, Ling Fei could hear her mutter: "Stupid rules…inspect? Properly married? Stupid, stupid. Whatever happened to privacy? Stupid palace rules."

Ling Fei took a sip of her tea to calm her nerves and waited for the two girls to calm down.

After a while, ZW finally peaked out from behind her hands to glance in concern at her sworn sister. Even in a situation as this, her worry for others overruled her own embarrassment: "XYZ. Please, stop pacing. You're making me dizzy."

XYZ looked at ZW incredulously but did pause: "I'm making _you _dizzy? ZW, _I'm _getting quite dizzy just thinking about it. I said falling in love was troublesome. Why oh why did I not listen to my own advice?"

ZW smiled slightly: "XYZ, surely you knew this was inevitable. It's not like HAM only told you about the marriage yesterday. You and YQ have been engaged, whether officially or not, for well nigh two years now.

XYZ looked sheepish: "Well, engagement is one thing. Marriage is quite another. I haven't exactly given much thought to what it means…"

ZW resisted the urge to roll her eyes, the response was so like XYZ: "Well, now is as good a time as any to think about it, isn't it? Ling Fei is kind enough to come forewarn us, we might as well heed any advice she might give us."

XYZ glared at her: "Think about it? ZW, are you saying you're ok with…with the inspection? It's so…so…"

ZW replied with a slight blush: "Well, I happen to agree with you that it's rather…embarrassing for there to be an actual inspection, but, well, it's really small price to pay, isn't it?"

XYZ exclaimed: "Small price to pay? I don't know about you…_ I _certainly don't want everyone in the Palace to know that I…that we…gah! ZW!"

ZW delicately raised an eyebrow: "XYZ…do you really think they wouldn't know even without the inspection? It's what married people do, isn't it? And believe it or not, we will be married in a few days time."

XYZ glared at her again: "ZW! How can you be so calm?"

ZW simply replied: "Oh, I'm not. But looking at you being so agitated, I feel much better about it all."

Before XYZ could retort, Ling Fei broke into the conversation: "So I surmise that you girls know what's going to happen?" XYZ and ZW both blushed but nodded.

Ling Fei breathed a sigh of relief: "Oh thank goodness. My job is a lot easier then. And really, I think you girls will be fine. You're both marrying men who love you; I trust they will be as gentle as possible. Just…there will be a bit of pain, some discomfort, but it will pass… Your role as the bride is to be as accommodating as possible, just follow your heart and you'll be alright."

ZW and XYZ looked at each and quickly thanked Ling Fei.

Ling Fei nodded: "Well, I think you two would probably like to talk about it amongst yourselves. I won't disturb your privacy. If you have need of me, please feel free to visit at any time."

The concubine smiled one final time and bade them goodbye. As she stepped out of Shu Fang Zhai, she let out a deep breath, thankful that the task was complete. She had never been more grateful that her own daughters were still young and far from marriageable age.

Within Shu Fang Zhai, XYZ stared at the closed door while ZW sank into a chair and helped herself to some more tea. XYZ recommenced her pacing and muttering: "Follow your heart she says…that's it? Stupid stupid…" She suddenly paused in her steps and turned towards ZW: "ZW, how do you know what's going to happen?"

ZW blushed: "Well, my mother told me actually. When I was about ten, I overheard one of the neighbors call her a whore. I didn't understand what it meant, so I asked her about it. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, perhaps only topping what just happened here, but she took that opportunity to explain the birds and bees to me…how do you know about it XYZ? Didn't you grow up in a convent?"

XYZ snorted in a decidedly unlady-like manner and sank into a heap in the other chair: "Only for a small amount of time. After that, I was kidnapped, or maybe I just got lost, anyways, I was left to fend myself in the world. For a while I was a servant in some big household. The Master was not only cruel, but he also took advantage of some of the older maids. I happened to hear them talking about it one day and realized I had to escape. So, escape I did. Fortunately, I met Liu Qing and Liu Hong soon afterwards."

ZW sat up in her chair: "XYZ! That's horrible!"

XYZ shrugged: "Well, yes, but that's life. I'm just glad I managed to escape it. And I met Liu Qing and Liu Hong, so everything ended up alright still."

ZW marveled again at XYZ's eternal optimism despite all the hardships she had experience: "Still, XYZ, I'm sure it'll be nothing like what you heard with you and YQ. YQ loves you and you love him. My mother said when two people love each other, then the act is a natural manifestation of their love."

XYZ looked at her hopefully: "Really?"

ZW nodded: "My mother never lied to me. Besides…you two have kissed, right?"

XYZ blushed but nodded.

ZW smiled teasingly: "And how was it?"

XYZ's face had a rather uncharacteristic dreamy look at this question. ZW chuckled and said: "See. My mother said a kiss is but a small beginning."

XYZ broke out of her daze: "Hey! What about you and Er Kang?"

ZW: "What about us?"

XYZ demanded: "Have you two kissed?"

Now it was ZW's turn to blush.

XYZ nodded: "I thought so." She sighed: "ZW. What if…what if I mess it up?"

ZW seemed confused: "Mess it up?"

XYZ nodded: "What if…what if I don't please him? I never did figure out how he could love someone like me. Or why he'd give up everything to roam the world with me. What if I disappoint him and he realizes that I'm really not worthy of his love? What if he decides he made a mistake?"

ZW reached out to hold XYZ's hand: "XYZ, this isn't like you to be so worried."

XYZ sighed: "How can I not be? Without you or Ling Fei mentioning it, I didn't really think about marriage. I mean, sure, you'll be leaving to live with Er Kang, but nothing will really change, right? We're still sisters, you'll still visit, and I'll still be the trouble magnet. But now…now it hits me that everything will be different. We're both leaving Shu Fang Zhai. Sure, HAM said it'll always be here for us whenever we need a place to go, but it won't be the same. I'll be living somewhere else…with YQ. I just realized that we barely know each other really. Without you and EK to serve as the buffer between us, what if we end up killing each other in a fight? Not to mention, there'll be so many more rules to follow. And you won't be around to help me with them!"

ZW was startled by the outpouring of concerns from the normally brave XYZ and quickly tried to sooth her worries: "XYZ. Things are changing, it's true. But I'll always visit. You know I will. Besides there's Qing-er in the Palace still to help you; she's become a good friend. Besides, YQ will always be there for you. Hasn't he always given in every time you two fought? No matter what happens and whose fault it really is, he always apologizes and tries to make amends. It might be difficult at times, but you need to trust that your love for each other will carry you through all the rough patches."

XYZ sighed again: "I know you speak the truth, but ZW, aren't you worried? Maybe not…you and EK are so well matched and EK's parents have always treated you like a daughter…"

ZW shook her head: "Of course I'm worried! I'm as apprehensive as you are about the wedding and everything that will happen afterwards, but I also have faith. I trust EK to take good care of me, just like you should trust YQ to take good care of you. The four of us have been through so much, what is marriage compared with life and death?"

XYZ replied: "ZW, why do you always have to make so much sense?" Nonetheless, she calmed down enough to pour herself a cup of tea: "Bride. Hmm…don't you find it strange ZW, that we will be brides soon?"

ZW smiled in relief: "Yes. Life seems to have a way of becoming full circle; when I first met you, you were dressed up as a bride, were you not?"

XYZ chuckled: "From fake bride and fake princess to real bride and real princess. Indeed, quite circular…ZW, promise me you'll visit the day after. Promise, please?"

ZW nodded: "Of course. Besides, EK and I will have to pay respects to HAM, LFY, and all the concubines that day anyways."

XYZ sighed, but this time in relief: "Oh good."

ZW chuckled as a thought formed in her mind, causing to XYZ to look at her curiously: "What's so funny?"

ZW replied with a smile: "I was thinking, if you're like this for the wedding, what will you be like when it comes time to have children?"

XYZ gasped and dropped her teacup: "CHILDREN? Oh no…what have I done? I just knew it! Falling in love will be the death of me!"

ZW couldn't help but laugh at XYZ's response. The servants, who had heard the cup crash and quickly swept into the room, asked in concern: "Ge Ge, what's wrong?"

XYZ only groaned in embarrassment as ZW quickly assured everyone that XYZ was alright.

XYZ stuck out her tongue at ZW and started tickling her in response.

Satisfied that the two princesses were alright, the servants quickly cleaned up the broken cup and replace the tea set as lighthearted laughter returned to Shu Fang Zhai .


	4. Intent: XiaoJian

**Intent: **_Xiao-Jian_

He never intended to fall in love. Actually, he didn't intend for a lot of things to happen. He had no idea when he left Da-Li to find his sister and finish his revenge that his life would become so complicated. Not that it was simple to start with; killing an Emperor, especially one who was, for better or worse, loved by the Chinese people, was never going to be easy. His mentor, the old monk, had stressed forgiveness, to rise above earthly needs for vengeance. He tried, he really did. He was going to find his sister, bring her home to Da Li, and carry on with his life. But when he discovered that his little sister had been abandoned, all his anger and desperation returned. In his mind, she was but a small baby, helpless in this big, bad world. She was his responsibility to care for, and he had failed her. Never mind that it really wasn't his fault, he still blamed himself. If only he had thought to ask about her earlier, to search for her sooner, perhaps then she would have grown up in a loving home. So, it was with guilt, anger, regret, as well as urgency to reclaim the last remaining member of his family that drove him to BeiJing.

When he found her, or suspected that the girl was her, he was confused. Not just because somehow his baby sister had become a princess and the beloved daughter of their family's enemy, but also because she seemed so full of life and had such independence. Observing the group around her, he could tell that they all revolved around her. She was the center-point who tied them all together, the commonality where all their lives overlapped. For all her kindness, ZW lacked a certain spirit without XYZ's influence. For all his intelligence and morality, EK would lack the impetuous to challenge the system without having ZW at stake. As for YQ, he was the one whom Xiao-Jian observed most of all, especially when the friends were fleeing for their lives. He couldn't deny that YQ truly cared for XYZ. No other prince would willingly give up all the luxury of Palace life to sleep on the cold, hard floor of a rural farmer's house for a girl with an unknown past. Sometimes, he wondered if YQ cared more for XYZ than she did for him. As much as he loved his sister, even he couldn't deny that she could be very immature. When the thought occurred to him, he tried hard to stamp it down; _she _was his sister, after all, and _he _was the son of his enemy, the destroyer of his family. So he was conflicted. When he decided to return to BeiJing with them all, he thought it would just be to see his sister married. Then, once she was settled, he would return to Da Li, to work on his mentor's advice of forgiveness. He rather thought that forgiveness would be easier the further he was from the capital and from the Emperor. That was his intention. But, as everything is around XYZ, things didn't go as planned.

He met _her _instead. Qing-er. He had heard stories, certainly, from both XYZ and ZW. The two girls couldn't say enough kind things about the princess in the palace who was their staunch supporter and who, with her intelligence, had saved them more than once. Perhaps it was ZW's description that first raised his curiosity. She had said that Qing-er appeared a serene lake when you first met her, but underneath, she was full of turbulent eddies and hidden depths. He had met many curious people in his travels and didn't think he could be fascinated by mere stories of a person's deeds anymore. How wrong he was. Perhaps that should have been the first sign that this girl was different.

When he finally met her, or rather, when he literally bumped into her, he found himself mesmerized by her smile. ZW had said that Qing-er's smile hid a fierce intelligence, like velvet wrapped around steel. And he, who prided himself on discerning a person's character from only one look, found that every word ZW said was right. What the girls didn't mention was Qing-er's beauty. He really should have expected it; she was after all related to the Royal Family. But somehow, he didn't expect the sweetness in her demeanor. When she turned back to look at him, her eyes filled with curiosity and that mysterious smile dancing at her lips, he understood finally what EK meant when he said that he felt he had fallen off a cliff when ZW first tugged on his robes and begged for him to listen to her as she crawled forward in the dirt. He found that he wanted to get to know this girl, to find out about her deepest thoughts and ideas. When she disappeared from view, he could only look at the spot where she had stood and wonder if he hadn't been wrong all his life, that perhaps love at first sight was possible after all.

For all the emotions he was experiencing, however, he didn't intend to pursue the matter. He had witnessed how difficult the road had been for ZW, EK, XYZ, and YQ. He wanted to preserve Qing-er's innocence. He, who had seen so much, done so much, and experienced so much, wanted to spare her. But the more he interacted with her, the more they discussed history and philosophy, the more he realized that she wasn't the innocent he believed her to be. Qing-er was well aware of the backstabbing politics of the Royal Court and was smart enough to avoid being entangled into various plots. When she shared her own tragic history and the story of her parents' deaths, he felt a kinship to her he had never felt with anyone else. It was odd really, he had met orphans in his travels, but none spoke to his heart and his mind the way she did. She was like an oasis; he felt his restlessness calm and his need to revenge cool. In her company, he felt that forgiveness was really possible and that he was capable of forgetting a life of anger. So, despite all his best intentions, he couldn't help but fall for her.

He really shouldn't have been surprised when EK pulled him aside one day to ask him about his intentions. EK, who paid such close attention to detail, certainly noticed that XiaoJian had not brought up the topic of returning to DaLi in quite a while. Besides, ZW had always been sensitive to others' feelings. He knew that though the couple lived in a happy haze of being newly-wed, they felt that they owed Qing-er enough to keep an eye out for her. XiaoJian had intended to hide his feelings from everyone, because letting Qing-er know would complicate things again, but he couldn't lie to EK. To his credit, EK did not seem surprised but merely nodded and said that he trusted XiaoJian not to hurt Qing-er. He also said that he of all people knew what it was like to fall in love without actually intending to do so. EK encouraged XiaoJian to speak with Qing-er since, according to ZW, Qing-er probably wouldn't be adverse to the idea. But after a lifetime living in the Palace with all the rules, Qing-er was a bit old fashioned and would never give him any indications of her feelings. XiaoJian just shook his head and said he'd think about it. Too much was still at stake and he did not want to cast any shadows on his sister's nuptial bliss. Of course, he didn't intend on actually thinking about it. He had made the decision in his mind that it was time to leave. If he wasn't in BeiJing, then he would not be tempted to make his feelings known.

He again underestimated his sister's ability to turn everyone's lives upside down. Somehow, XYZ got word of a possible romance between Qing-er and XiaoJian and had confronted Qing-er in private regarding the matter. Qing-er, who was too well-bred to say anything outright, nonetheless blushed and stammered enough that even XYZ, who was never one to pick up subtle cues, had no doubts. So, the next time XYZ could leave the Palace, she begged LFY to let Qing-er accompany her. As a special treat, Er Kang decided to take the group to visit Yo Yo Gu. Hitherto the visit, XJ had only seen Qing-er in the Palace; being HZGG's brother apparently did have some privileges and the Emperor loved XYZ enough to allow an outsider entry into the Forbidden City. When he saw Qing-er alight from the carriage in the commoners' clothing, her eyes bright with excitement and curiosity, he felt the full force of his feelings. He, who had always been so calm and had held his emotions at bay, felt all of a sudden flooded by a need to tell her everything, from his family secret to his desire to be worthy of her. In his struggle to behave normally, he missed the knowing look that passed between ZW and EK. Even XYZ and YQ shared a smile. Surrounded by the beauty of EK and ZW's secret place, XJ decided that that no matter his intent, he couldn't leave anymore. For once, he threw all plans to the wind and decided to follow his heart. Perhaps, he thought, it was heaven's intent to resolve the anguish in his heart. Perhaps he should allow heaven's intent to override his own.


	5. Possess: ErKang and ZiWei

_Possess: _EK and ZW

The morning after the double wedding dawned bright but cold. The sun snuck a ray into ErKang and ZiWei's bridal chamber and slipped through the crack in the bed curtains. EK awoke, as was his wont, to greet the sun. This morning, however, he did not climb out of bed to dress and prepare for his many responsibilities. Instead, he lay in bed and was keenly aware of the warm body snuggled next to his. He glanced down at the peaceful face of his wife. His wife. The word brought a smile to his face. After so many adventures, so many challenges, she was finally his. She was a gift the heavens gave him, a treasure to be cherished. He felt unworthy of her goodness, but knew that he would always protect her. He looked at the curl of her eyelashes and the slight shadow they cast on her cheeks, still pink from her bridal make-up, and was thankful again that when she opened her eyes, she would be able to see him. The days when she had been blind he had also felt lost in the world. He looked at the serene smile on her lips and felt a rush of need to always keep that smile on those lips. When he had first met her, she always seemed to be crying. He had never felt so helpless than at the sight of her tears. He, normally so rational and calm, felt undone every time something happened to her. When he had found her tortured figure on the floor of the Empress's hidden chamber, he felt his heart stop. For the first time in his life, but certainly not the last, he wanted to overthrow all the rules and just take her away to a place where she would be safe. When she opened her eyes and whispered that she knew he would come rescue her, all he felt was relief that she was alive. Only afterwards, when the Royal Physician declared that she would recover with rest and tonics, did he feel the full weight of trust she had placed in him. The feeling of responsibility wasn't new to him; he had grown up fully aware of the expectations placed upon him. But her faith trumped all other responsibilities. When he lost her trust during their first fight, he wanted more than anything to have that heaviness back in his life. Since meeting her, all his priorities shifted and she was at the top, a position from which she will never be toppled.

He wondered sometimes, what it was about her that made him lose control. He who was always so self-aware had been puzzled by the force of his feelings for her. Was it her beauty? Her innocence? Her faith in the goodness of others? Her gentle strength that enabled her to survive all odds? Or was it her intelligence? Her many talents? Her ability to solve all problems and puzzles big and small? Perhaps it was just the combination of it all, all the contradictions and paradoxes that made her who she was. She was a mystery that he suspected he will never fully solve. When he first met her, he was struck by her vulnerability and yet her iron will to be heard. He never told her that when she grabbed ahold of the hem of his clothing, she had also grabbed ahold of his heart. And so he fell. He did not know her story then but his intuition told him that something about this girl warranted further investigation. From her clothing and the ornaments in her hair, he could tell she was not a regular commoner. So, he made a split second decision to have her taken home instead of the prison. As he got to know her, he couldn't control his fall. Shockingly, he found he didn't want to. He felt whole when he was with her, though he hadn't been aware he was missing something until he acknowledged his own feelings for her. When she decided to leave despite all his efforts at persuasion, he lost all reason and blurted out that he wanted her to stay for him. Not until he was faced with the reality of losing her did he fully comprehend how much she had become integrated in his life. He wanted to possess her because losing her would mean losing a part of himself. He knew he had no right to ask her, to step over the bounds of her modesty and have her think of him that way. But his fear of losing her, even in those early days, overwhelmed all his logic. When she said yes, that she would stay, not for other reasons, but for him, he had felt happiness only trumped during the day of their wedding.

Sometimes he wondered why she didn't ask him to clarify his meaning. What he meant when he said to stay for him. She might have been as caught up as he was in the emotions of the moment, but certainly afterwards she might have asked. Did he want her to remain as his mistress? His concubine? Certainly she wouldn't have agreed, no matter what she felt for him. But she didn't ask and he didn't think to clarify. Perhaps she trusted that he would do right by her. But EK knew his intentions hadn't been all chaste. He wanted her with an overpowering mixture of love and lust, tinged with admiration and pride. He wasn't ignorant to the relations between men and women. Despite ZW's modesty and good breeding, he suspected she was well aware of them as well. At the very least, her mother had warned her against losing control. And though it would have been easy to keep her as a mistress, he couldn't do that to her. Not just because she was the Emperor's daughter, but because he respected her too much. He wanted her but he loved her as well. So, he clamped down on his desires and focused on understanding her and taking care of her. It was difficult, especially when they were fleeing for their lives. Certainly the trip was fraught with complicated situations, one after the other in quick succession. He was in awe many times of her ability to adapt to any situation. In the intervening calm days, however, he could just enjoy being with her. For those brief moments, he could almost pretend to be on a leisure trip with her. He felt so relieved that he could hold her hand or hug her without worrying about spies in the Palace reporting to the Empress or LFY. They could be alone together to explore the beauty of the countryside without danger of harmful gossip regarding ZW's reputation. But being close to her day in and day out also made him impatient. Sometimes he resented his mother's words to ZW, that the Fu family would hold a proper wedding feast when they returned; he didn't want to wait. At the wedding of HangXiang and MengDan, and later of Jin Suo and Liu Qin, he had felt keenly the desire to finally wed ZiWei, to start on their happy ending traditions be damned. But he also knew she deserved a proper wedding. She was, after all, a princess. He never believed for one moment the lies of her aunt and uncle. ZiWei was a GeGe no matter what the Emperor said in his fit of anger. Personally, he couldn't have cared less. But he knew how society would have ridiculed and looked down on ZW if they didn't have a proper ceremony. He couldn't allow such negativity to shatter her faith in the goodness of people. Though she never spoke of her childhood, he knew it wouldn't have been easy for her to be Xia Yuhe's daughter. Never mind that Xia Yuhe didn't have a choice. After all, one does not simply say no to the Emperor.

The idea that she was his and his alone was so cemented in his mind and heart that he never considered alternatives. When they found an abused ZW in the whorehouse after XYZ had lost her, he wanted to rip off her attackers' heads. He didn't, couldn't, allow himself to think that her innocence might have been compromised. When she clung to him and reassured him between sobs that she was still whole, still clean, he wanted to cry with her. He would have still taken care of her had her virtue been compromised, but he knew the guilt would have torn ZW apart. He knew she would have pushed him away, despite his insistence that he was still her Er Kang. She would rather die than bring shame to him. And if she died, he strongly suspected that he would have followed her to the grave.

When they returned to the Palace, he knew they were taking yet another gamble. Returning meant going back to all the rules. Coming back meant having the power to decide their own fate taken out of their hands again. For all that the Emperor had forgiven them and LFY seemed to accept them, they remained noticeably silent on the subject of the wedding. When LFY summoned him for a private audience, his heart sank. For all his reasoning, he couldn't make her see that he just wanted ZW, that ZW was enough, that LFY's plans would ruin everyone's happiness. When Qing-er arrived at the critical moment to salvage the situation, he felt a deep indebtedness. He couldn't marry her, not with ZW in his life, but he vowed to be her big brother and make sure she finds her own happy ending. When the Emperor came to Shu Fang Zhai to finally announce the date of the wedding, he felt such happiness that he would have turned cartwheels had decorum not demanded proper behavior.

Finally the long awaited for day arrived. After the scuffle of the switched brides, he finally had his ZW. Even as he held her in his arms, he couldn't quite believe that everything was real. As he felt her tremble in his arms, he knew he had to be gentle. He had no wish to harm her with the intensity of his feelings. She was water, smooth and malleable but unyielding, and he was fire, blazing and strong but vulnerable to quenching. Despite her obvious apprehension, however, ZW still looked at him with such love and trust that he drowned in the warmth of being with her and claiming her as his own.

As EK gazed at his bride, ZW shifted and opened her eyes. She saw the love and desire shining in her husband's gaze and blushed as she recalled the events of the previous night. Her husband. How strange and yet how right it was that he was her husband now. All the pains and trials they suffered led to that perfect moment of content and joy. She smiled at him, a genuine smile, and simply whispered his name. EK smiled back and couldn't resist giving her a good morning kiss. She blushed but snuggled closer.

EK wrapped his arm around her and broke their content silence: "ZW. Why me?"

ZW shifted so as to look at him: "What do you mean?"

EK repeated then elaborated: "Why me? If I hadn't asked you to stay for me, would you have really gone? If I hadn't said anything, would you still have fallen in love with me?"

ZW replied thoughtfully: "I don't know if I would have left. Honestly, I think I was hoping you would say something. You see, I had begun to love you before you said anything. You were always so kind and took such care to reassure me. I wanted to believe that you were just a good person, but I think I hoped that it was for another reason as well."

EK, however, persisted: "But why?"

ZW smiled and teased him: "Are you fishing for compliments?"

EK shook his head: "No, I'm not. I think I've always wondered if perhaps I expressed myself too bluntly and too forcefully and didn't really give you a choice. I fear that I had taken advantage of your kindness, of your unwillingness to bring anyone pain. "

ZW sighed: "I think I was overwhelmed in the beginning. Even had I wanted to, it would have been difficult to combat the amount of passion you had. I think you never do anything half-way and loving me was no exception. But EK, I never wanted to fight you in this matter. Even before you declared yourself, Jin Suo had commented that when you looked at me, your eyes shined with a peculiar light. My first reaction was shock; I didn't know what to do with the information. My brain told me that it was dangerous to think about what it meant, but somehow my heart couldn't stop hoping. You represented so much of what I wanted, safety, stability, protection, and, yes, love but I didn't know if I could attain those things. You are the perfect man of any girl's dreams, driven, strong, talented, intelligent, filial and just. But I didn't love you because of those attributes. I admired you for them, yes, but it was your doubt and vulnerability that drew me to you."

EK looked at her curiously, "What do you mean?"

ZW smiled: "You are the model son, the perfect subject, but I always sensed that you were searching for something more. When you expressed your internal struggles to reconcile the philosophies of your education with the less than rosy realities of life at court, I knew I was right. You search for justice, for an ideal. Outwardly, you are dutiful but inside, you wonder at the contradictions. You strive to meet everyone's expectations and it leaves little room for insecurities. I wanted to be the person in whom you confided but knew that my existence in your life would bring you more pressures. I did not wish to add to your burden, but like a moth drawn towards a flame, I was drawn to you. In meeting you, I fully understood how my mother could lose herself..."

EK breathed in the scent of her: "ZW, were you never worried about my intentions?"

ZW blinked: "Your intentions?"

EK nodded: "Did you never worry that I would take advantage of you?"

ZW shook her head: "No. I can't explain it but I never thought for a moment that you would harm me. My mother had warned me, not in so many words, but she had cautioned me. But I never worried with you. You're a good man, Er Kang. From the very beginning you treated me with respect. By rights, by saving my life, you could have claimed anything as reward. But you didn't. Instead, you worked to help me even more. My presence put yourself and your entire family in danger but you all still persisted on treating me like an honored guest. From the very beginning, I just knew. It wasn't only by chance that I crawled towards you that day in the streets. I think I somehow sensed that you would be important in my life."

EK turned her to face him: "ZW, thank you. I was so afraid of scaring you. You were like a wild deer and I didn't want to startle you. I worry so much about harming you with the intensity of my feelings. I still remember you asking me if I thought I was being a bit excessive. But I just can't control it."

ZW looked up at him earnestly: "I know. But you should also remember what I said then too, that I rather like your excess. I don't mind your possessiveness because I am just as possessive of you. I had been so upset over Qing-er not just because you had lied to me and because I felt threatened by her, but also because I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Though I do not express myself with the same fervor you do, I hope you know that I love you with the same passion you love me. You tell me that I am yours; you should also know that you are mine."

EK drew her close and kissed her on her forehead. "Yes" he agreed, "yours." He showered her with kisses, whispering 'yours' between each one. ZW only had time to breathlessly whisper, "Mine," before he captured her lips in his and the couple was lost in their own world.


	6. Fate: MianYi

AN: So in my mind I typically disown HZGG III, especially the existence of MianYi. Never mind he was historically real; it just seemed too cruel for YQ to leave him, no matter the circumstances. But my muse works in mysterious ways and this story came to me while waiting for my much-delayed flight this past weekend. Who knew being in an airport could be so inspiring? I really should have been doing homework, but this story was just begging to be written. It's terribly unrealistic and altogether too hopeful, sort of a best case scenario alternate-universe piece. But since I'm at heart an optimist, I think it suits me. Besides, I see MianYi as an innocent; he deserves a loving family and a happy life. He shouldn't have to pay for his parents' mistakes.

_Fate: MianYi_

He was five when his mother passed and he was sent to XueShiFu. Not that he minded it terribly. Uncle Er Kang and Aunty ZiWei had always been nice to him. In his childish mind, they seemed to show him more constant care and love than his own mother. She had always seemed to carry a terrible sadness about her. At times it seemed she couldn't stand the sight of him. At other times, she almost smothered him in attention. He had heard that she was a wonderful artist in her youth and had begged her to paint for him. She had smiled sadly and said, 'Maybe tomorrow.' But tomorrow never came and he learned to stop asking. When she passed away from sickness, he felt bad that she was gone, but he didn't quite miss her as everyone else thought he ought. Maybe he was too young to truly understand death. Or maybe he was just glad to leave the Palace where so many people seemed to look at him with pity. His only friend was 15-Ah-Ge, and Ling Fei Niang Niang always treated him well. But he knew, given the family ties between Uncle Er Kang and Ling Fei, that he would always be able to visit. Besides, there was Cousin Dong-er to play with at the Fus'. He had been jealous of Cousin Dong-er once. Dong-er had both parents who not only doted on him but also obviously loved each other. At XueShiFi, he was treated like family and the jealousy faded. Well, Aunty ZiWei was his paternal aunt, but even Grandpa and Grandma Fu treated him as they would treat Dong-er. It was like there had always been two boys living at XueShiFu. His days were filled with laughter and fun. Even when learning lessons, he could count on Aunty ZiWei teaching them some trick or other. And Uncle Er Kang would always take the hour before dinner to help the boys with their martial arts training. He felt loved at the Fu's and felt that he had no other parents then Aunty and Uncle.

When he turned seven, he was sent to Ji Shi Fu along with the other Royal children. Though Dong-er was still too young, MianYi begged so hard that Grandpa Ai, as the Emperor chose to be called, was forced to concede. Besides, it was normal for Royal princes to have a book companion and Dong-er was of sufficient high birth, and the proper intelligence, to quality for the position. He renewed his friendship with 15-Ah-Ge and the three boys would become inseparable in the passing years. That first morning, Ji Shi Fu was much impressed with both boys. MianYi even heard him mention to Grandpa Ai that he would have expected no less from a son of Zi Wei and Er Kang. The master also noted that MianYi was very much like his father at the same age and that it was pity Wu Ah Ge was not there to see his brilliance. MianYi basked in the praise, not for himself, but because he had brought honor to Aunty ZiWei and Uncle Er Kang. He wanted more than anything to make them proud and never regret taking him into their home. He shared the good news with Dong-er and both boys rushed home at the end of lessons to share the news with a proud Uncle Er Kang and Aunty ZiWei. As he got ready for bed that evening, however, MianYi recalled Grandpa Ai's reply. He had said that wherever Yong-qi was (and MianYi knew Yongqi was his father, the fifth prince), he would be proud to have a son like MianYi. MianYi wondered at the comment. As far as he knew, his father had died from pneumonia shortly after MianYi's birth. At least, that was what everyone in the Palace and the official records said. But from Grandpa Ai's remark, it seemed as though his father was alive. When Aunty ZiWei came to tuck him in, MianYi could help but ask, "Aunty ZiWei, what happened to my father?"

Aunty ZiWei's gentle smile seemed to falter a split second before she replied, "Your father dear? He died of pneumonia when you were still young. You were still a baby at the time. He was my brother and I know he loved you very much. Before he left, he made me promise to take care of you."

MianYi nodded at the familiar sounding story and felt reassured.

ZiWei looked at him curiously and asked, "Why do you ask dear?"

MianYi, having been brought up to be an honest child, replied, "Well, today when Ji Shi Fu told Grandpa Ai that he thought Dong-er and I were both doing well, Grandpa Ai said something that sounded like my father was still alive. But he can't be if he died so long ago."

Aunty ZiWei nodded, gave him his good-night kiss, and bid him sweet dreams.

That night, as they prepared for bed, ZiWei told Er Kang of the conversation.

ZiWei said, "I'm worried. He's starting to ask and though I deflected him this time, what about next time? Ji Shi Fu is right, MianYi is very much like Yongqi. And for all her faults, ZhiHua was no dummy. He's too smart to be satisfied with our standard answers for long. I think we need to tell him the truth."

Er Kang sighed, "We knew this day would come sooner or later. I had hoped it would be later. I agree, MianYi deserves to know the truth. But I kind of want him to enjoy his childhood a little longer. Besides, we've never really discussed how we would tell him."

ZiWei nodded: "We need to write Yongqi. As much as I love MianYi as though he really is Dong-er blood brother, Yongqi is his father. We need to respect his wishes in this matter."

Er Kang agreed: "Let's do that. I think we still have time."

Surprisingly, the reply the couple received from DaLi was from Yongqi, XYZ, Qing-er, and XiaoJian. The four agreed unanimously that MianYi deserved the truth. It was XYZ who gave them the idea of telling the whole story as a bed time tale to both MianYi and Dong-er once the boys were a little older. ZiWei and ErKang nodded at each other and decided to respect their wishes.

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Over the next few years, MianYi gave little thought to his initial question. However, one day when he was ten and he and Dong-er were practicing martial arts in the Imperial Garden while Aunty ZiWei visited Ling Fei Niang Niang, he overheard a startling conversation between two old maids. They, like Ji Shi Fu had years prior, compared both boys to their fathers. One of them also remarked how it was pity that Wu Ah Ge had abandoned Wu Fu Jin and his newborn son so long ago. Wu Ah Ge would have been the heir apparent and little MianYi might have been the heir's heir. So distracted by their comment, MianYi didn't notice Dong-er's incoming fist and received a punch that knocked him to the ground. Dong-er immediately apologized and went to help MianYi off the ground. MianYi only nodded dazedly and said that he wasn't feeling quite well and would like to go home. Dong-er nodded and they went to find Zi Wei.

Once home, Aunty Zi Wei made a great fuss over the bruise on MianYi's face. Dong-er quickly went to fetch the special ointments and kept repeating apologies. MianYi just smiled at him and said it was not his fault, that MianYi had been the one not paying attention. Dong-er nodded gratefully but still insisted on visiting the kitchen to instruct the cook to make MianYi's favorite foods for dinner. As Aunty Zi Wei applied ointments to his bruise, MianYi couldn't help but ask, "Aunty Zi Wei? I heard someone say that my father had abandoned me? Is that true? Did he not want me?"

ZiWei looked at the hurt and insecurities in the boy's eyes and sighed, "Oh MianYi, of course your father wanted you. He loved you very much."

MianYi was insistent, "Then why did Gui Mo Mo say that he left us? Aunty ZiWei, is my father alive still?"

Aunty ZiWei looked at him sadly, "Dear MianYi, I've been afraid that you would ask. I fear before I answer your question, I must tell you a rather long and complicated story. Can you bear to wait for your answer?"

MianYi, desperate to know the truth, could only nod.

Aunty ZiWei finished applying the salve and said, "Good. We will start tonight; your Uncle Er Kang and I will share our stories with you and Dong-er."

So, over the next month, Er Kang and Zi Wei slowly told the boys everything. From ZW's auspicious meeting with XYZ, to the group's desperate flee for their lives, to the complicated family background of XYZ and XJ, and finally to the difficult decision of YQ, XYZ, and Qing-er to leave the Palace and venture to DaLi.

The last night, as she ended the story, ZW added, "MianYi, you must understand, though your father never loved your mother, he loved you very very much. The six of us, your Uncle Er Kang, me, Qing-er, XJ, XYZ, and your father, we shared a bond stronger than even blood. We had been through life and death more times than we could count. Your father married your mother to save XJ's life. He never intended to abandon you. Had he been able, he would have taken you with him to DaLi. Such as it was, he could only tell your Uncle Er Kang and I to care for you."

Dong-er, much moved by his parents' story, could only lean into his father, who wrapped an arm about him. Er Kang also spoke up, "MianYi, your Aunty ZiWei speaks the truth. We only hope you can understand. I grew up with your father. We were perhaps not as close as you and Dong-er are but I also thought of him as a brother. He never meant to hurt you. He just wanted the freedom to choose his own happiness. Before he left, he told me that he hoped you would have a happy life and that you would never have to choose between your duty and your heart and bear the burden that comes with such a choice. He wanted you to love and be loved and know the joy of having a caring family. He just wanted a bright future for you."

MianYi had been silent since the conclusion of the story. It would have been easy to hate his father, or even XYZ, but he found he had only admiration for all the people in the story. Seeing Aunty ZiWei and Uncle Er Kang's worried looks, he said, "Uncle, Aunty, you needn't worry about me. I don't blame him or any of you. Maybe if I had grown up in a different environment, I wouldn't have understood. But I grew up here, as a member of the Fu family. I've seen how you two love each other. I've experienced the true meaning of brotherhood with Dong-er. I've loved and been loved, just as my father had wished. Maybe I'm still too young to fully comprehend what it all means. But I know I have never been prouder to be my father's son. He's a brave and talented man who stayed true to his promises. He just wanted to take care of those he loved. I hope that if I ever meet him, I will have the chance to tell him that I do not blame him. Uncle, Aunty, you two have been like parents to me, and maybe it's unfair to say it with my father still alive on this earth, but I truly feel that way. I know officially my titles and status are different from Dong-er's, but I hope you know I see myself as your son too."

ZiWei and ErKang both looked proudly at the nephew and the maturity he was showing. ZiWei remarked: "MianYi, I'm glad you can understand. Even before you came to us, I've seen you as one of our own. I know you are only ten, but you have shown such maturity regarding the truth. I hope you don't blame us for keeping it from you for so long. We wanted to tell you, but we also knew we needed permission from your father and other members of the family in Da Li."

MianYi smiled at his aunt: "I know, Aunty. I know you're by nature an honest person. You and Uncle both are. I'm glad you told me the story a little at a time. I think it makes it more bearable to know the details." He was silent for a bit before adding hesitantly, "Do you think…would it be alright…can I…maybe…would I be able to add a letter next time you write to them?"

Uncle Er Kang smiled at him encouragingly, "Yes, MianYi, you can write them. In fact, I think it would be a good idea for both you and Dong-er to write letters. They are, after all, your uncles and aunts and cousins. Though we're separated by distance, we're still family."

ZiWei also smiled, "Yes, indeed. Besides, it's always good to have another opportunity to practice your penmanship."

Dong-er and MianYi both made a face at the thought of more work, causing the adults to chuckle. As the adults left the room, Dong-er hung back. ZW and EK looked at each other and allowed their son to stay with their nephew. Despite MianYi's brave front, they knew he had thoughts best shared with a brother.

Dong-er sat next to MianYi on his bed: "MianYi, tell me, what do you really think?"

MianYi smiled a bit sadly at his cousin: "Dong-er, I don't know what to think. Everything I said to Aunty and Uncle is true. I am proud of my father, of your parents, of everyone in the story. But you must admit, it is a lot to handle."

Dong-er nodded: "It's one thing to treat everyone in the story as characters and quite another to think that they are real. Especially when it comes to my parents. I mean, I know they love each other, but I didn't think they had to go through all that trouble to be together. I think up until now I've taken their happiness for granted. Everyone has always said they are such a perfect couple, but I always thought of them as just my parents and quite bland. It's odd to think of all the excitement they experienced… MianYi, I think if you father and XYZ in the story shared the same kind of love as my parents, then perhaps they really didn't have a choice."

MianYi sighed: "I know. It's hard to blame them. It's also hard to blame my mother. She really was just doing what she was told, her duty. I think she genuinely cared for my father, which is what makes it all the more tragic…Maybe it worked out for the best; I was never close with my mother. I don't think I would be who I am today without growing up here with you as my brother and Aunty and Uncle as my parents. But I still can't help but feel abandoned. How could my father leave me with such heavy responsibilities? Did he not know the amount of pressure I would have to face? Surely he must have known what it's like to be a mother's sole hope."

Dong-er replied sympathetically: "I don't think he abandoned you. I think he would have taken you with him had he been able. From what I can tell from the stories, I think XYZ would have treated you well too. She seemed to love children and though you were not hers, you were your father's son. I'd like to think her love for him would have been strong enough to include you."

MianYi: "Dong-er, you can be so like Aunty with your optimism and ability to see the good in everyone... I feel so much older now, much more than ten."

Dong-er agreed: "Me too. But I think we've both always been more mature for our age; you because of your childhood and me because I am my parents' child. I don't think I can understand quite yet the depth of emotions my parents or the other couples experienced, but I hope someday I can have the happiness my parents share. Cheer up MianYi, you still have us and our family. As you said, perhaps it worked out for the best. You are here now. Though your last name is different, I for one consider you a Fu. You always have family."

Dong-er waved aside MianYi's thanks and added: "Write to your father. Get to know him and allow him to get to know you. I think it'll be good for both of you. I'm sure he feels a lot of guilt after leaving you just as you have fears that he abandoned you. You can allay each others' worries. I know I am certainly excited to get to know our cousins. Alright now, I'd better go back to my own room. You should sleep too. We've still got lessons tomorrow."

MianYi nodded and bid his cousin goodnight, grateful that he did have such a loving family.

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Over the next few years, many letters were exchanged between BeiJing and DaLi. Dong-er found a constant pen-pal in their cousin Nan-er. At first, MianYi would tease him about writing to a girl, but Dong-er just brushed the words aside and insisted that Nan-er was an interestingly friend and that they had long debates about martial arts. Besides, Dong-er would retort that Nan-er was technically MianYi's half sister, so there's nothing wrong with writing to family. As for MianYi, he found that Dong-er was right and the letters between him and his father served as balms for both of them. ZW and EK were both relieved that they no longer had to hide the cross country correspondences from the boys. The secret seemed to bring the family closer together.

In the blink of an eye, MianYi turned twelve. That year, his Uncle ErTai and Uncle SaiYa finally returned to BeiJing for good. Life with the Fu family seemed to overflow with happiness and ring with the laughter of children. Xi-er, the eldest daughter, proved more like her father than her mother in temperament, for which Er Tai said he was thankful. Her brothers, the twins, were quite another story. It wasn't that they were irresponsible, they just had such out of the box ideas that trouble seemed to find them regardless. The youngest, Fu Yi, at age 10 already had the bearings of a lady but would often ruin the effect by scampering about with her twin brothers. When Grandpa Ai met the Fu cousins, he laughed and said poor Ji Shi Fu might ask to retire early with the twins at school. He also remarked that Fu Yi must keep Uncle Er Tai busy and that she will be a handful for any suitor who comes calling. When 15-Ah-Ge met the cousins, he smiled warmly and speculated on all the fun the boys would have together. He also seemed much taken with Xi-er, who also seemed to enjoy his company, causing the adults to raise their eyebrows in speculation. When he first learned her name, he chuckled and said to Dong-er, "Well, all we're missing is a Nan-er and a Bei-er and then we'd have a complete compass rose!"

Dong-er and MianYi looked at each, both wondering if they should share the secret with their friend, that they did in fact have a cousin Nan-er and a cousin Bei-er in DaLi. A few days later, after much consultation with the uncles and aunts, the two invited 15-Ah-Ge over for tea and spilt the whole story to 15-Ah-Ge and the other cousins.

Poor 15-Ah-Ge seemed quite overwhelmed by the information but resolutely nodded his head, saying, "Well, I guess that explains a lot. I've heard my mother talk to your mother, Dong-er, about someone named Huan Zhu Ge Ge. I never asked because it really wasn't my place, but I'm glad I know the truth now. This doesn't change anything, really, though at least I know now why Huang Ah Ma would visit Shu Fang Zhai randomly and take me along to see the parrot there sometimes. Thank you for trusting me with this information."

Xi-er also spoke up thoughtfully, "It's strange to think that my mother almost ended up with Uncle Er Kang. Father and Mother always chuckled when I asked about how they met and now I know why. I do agree with 15-Ah-Ge though, it changes nothing really. I mean, certainly, we have a larger family than we thought we did, but for all that they're so far away, they're still family. I just hope they're prepared for a lot of letters because I for one am quite curious about my other cousins."

15-Ah-Ge smiled at her and nodded: "And I am quite curious of my brother, your father, MianYi. From the history books, I can tell he's a good man. I'm glad he's still alive."

MianYi smiled at everyone in relief. They did not look at him in pity but rather accepted everything with genuine warmth. Not for the last time was he thankful that fate gave him such a loving family.

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When MianYi turned nineteen, the event the adults had hoped for came to pass and Xi-er and 15-Ah-Ge were wed. Prior to the wedding, Aunty ZiWei and Aunty SaiYa had talked with Xi-er at length regarding the implications of her marriage. They knew that the two shared sincere emotions, but 15-Ah-Ge was most likely going to be the next Emperor and Xi-er would have to share him with other women. Xi-er had merely smiled sadly at her mother and her aunt and nodded her understanding.

Xi-er: "Mother, Aunty, I know what you're trying to say. But I also know that happiness such as yours is rare in our world. I must be practical. I care for him and I know he cares for me, but we each must bear our responsibilities as well. He is a great man and will do great things for this country, I cannot ask him to give it all up because of me. You should know, he agonized over the decision and wrote extensively to DaLi for advice. Aunty XYZ has also written to me. But we are not them. I grew up knowing how the court functions and I have accepted it. Please, mother, aunty, be happy for me. I will be spending my life with the man I love. If I gain additional sister along the way, well, they'll be family. I'd like to think that I love him enough to extend that love to those he might care for."

ZiWei sighed: "Oh Xi-er, I had so hoped that you children would have the kind of happiness I have, but I see it is not to be. I wish you well. I know he will treat you fairly. But if you ever feel sadness, XueShiFu will always be your home."

Xi-er nodded gratefully and turned to her mother. SaiYa sighed, "My daughter, I know what's it's to enter a political marriage. I was fortunate to have found your father and I believe you are fortunate to have 15-Ah-Ge. I also wish you well. You have more patience than I have ever had and I think your kindness will serve you well."

Xi-er nodded gratefully and the three women hugged.

MianYi, meanwhile, found Fu Yi sitting in a tree in a secluded corner of the garden, flinging pebbles into the pond. She has grown up to be quite the beauty, just like her sister, but age has not made her any more docile or lady-like. Indeed, she had insisted on being include in all the martial arts lessons with the boys and could give even 15-Ah-Ge a fair fight. MianYi looked up at her uncharacteristic sullen face and called up to her, "Yi-Yi, what are you doing up there? You know your mother will scold you again if you rip your dress."

Fu Yi glared at him in annoyance, "Hmmp, like she didn't climb trees when she was young. How hypocritical. Go away, MianYi, I want to be left alone."

MianYi shook his head, "You have worries, why not share them with someone?"

Fu Yi continued glaring at him, "And I suppose you think that someone should be you?"

MianYi smiled a little, "Well, we are such good friends, why shouldn't it be me?"

Fu Yi snorted and threw a pebble at his head.

MianYi, who was used to such behavior, expertly dodged the pebble and smiled even more, "Alright Yi-Yi, you leave me no choice but to come up and join you." So saying, he flew up to sit next to her on the branch.

Fu Yi turned to him and demanded, "And who invited you?"

MianYi replied, "Well, you're not pushing me off, so I assume it's alright. Yi-Yi, we've known each other for so long now, I know something's bothering you. Please, tell me about it?"

Fu Yi stared at him for a long moment and then her expression softened, "Very well. Since you're so insistent." She sighed and looked off into the distance, "Jie Jie's (older sister) getting married."

MianYi nodded, "I think we've all suspected this event since they first met."

Fu Yi turned towards him, "Maybe so. But I don't like it."

MianYi tilted his head questioningly, "Oh? I thought you liked 15-Ah-Ge?"

Fu Yi tossed another acorn, "I did. I do. And I know sister's happy."

MianYi, "So what's the problem?"

Fu Yi explained, "I'm not stupid. I know he's going to be Emperor someday. It's a miracle Grandpa Ai hasn't married him off to some other lady already to secure that future. But it's only a matter of time. How can she marry him knowing that he won't be hers alone? That someday there'll be other women? Other children not hers? That he will never wholly be hers as he is now? I don't know if I can do it, though I'll most likely have no choice in the matter. I'm seventeen, of marriageable age, from a good family, and have nothing seriously wrong with me, who will I be married off to?"

MianYi tried teasing her, "Nothing seriously wrong with you? I don't know about that."

When she didn't respond, he grew serious again, "Yi-Yi, it'll be alright."

Fu Yi turned to look at him, "How do you know? Your father abandoned your mother for the woman he loves, didn't he? Why can't 15-Ah-Ge fight for my sister in the same way?"

MianYi sighed, "I know because your sister and 15-Ah-Ge have probably discussed this. She's not stupid either. She knew, perhaps from the beginning, the kind of future that 15-Ah-Ge would have. She's had a lifetime to prepare for it. Besides, think about it Yi-Yi. When my father left, Grandpa Ai was still young, the other Ah Ge's were still young, the chance of one of them making a good heir was pretty good. It's different now. Grandpa Ai is older and of all the Ah Ge's, 15-Ah-Ge is the most suited for the position. Would you have him abandon this country?"

Fu Yi stubbornly shook her head, "Then why doesn't he let her go? Let her find a man who will love only her? Share his life with just her?"

MianYi, "Don't you think he gave her that choice? The 15-Ah-Ge we know would never force anyone to do anything, least of all your sister. She chose to stay with him. She loves him enough to want to try for him. You should support her choice. In the coming years, she'll have moments of weakness and jealousy. For all her logic and kindness, she is still human. She'll need her sister by her side."

Fu Yi sighed, "I know. I think we've always tried to protect her, the twins and me. For all she's our older sister, somehow I've always felt the need to look out for her and not the other way around." She smiled a little, "The twins must be giving 15-Ah-Ge quite the talking-to right now."

MianYi chuckled, "Oh yes. I quite fear for his life."

The two friends sat in the tree a while longer when MianYi broke the silence, "Yi-Yi, are you really worried for yourself?"

Fu Yi looked at her hands, still clasped around her pile of pebbles, "Yes. Call me silly, but I want the kind of love my parents have. The kind Aunty ZiWei and Uncle ErKang have. The kind that enabled your father to abandon all he knew, the kind that can cause Uncle XiaoJian to forget a lifetime of revenge and anger. The kind that that gave Aunty XYZ the motivation to change herself, to give up her freedom, if only for a little while. I know it's next to impossible given the circumstances of my birth and station, but I see it working out for them. I see what is possible and I don't want anything less."

MianYi remarked, "Yi-Yi, I never thought of you as a romantic."

Fu Yi replied, "I suppose sister always seemed the more romantic type huh? And here she is, being all practical. But is it romance, really? MianYi, is it so wrong to want my husband to care just for me? To be able to wake up next to the person you love every morning and not have to wonder when he would have to leave you? You're a boy, you're probably looking forward to the day you can have multiple wives. And it'll be soon for you. Princes like you are married sooner or later. After Sister's wedding, you'll be next."

MianYi sighed, "I don't think it's wrong to want what you want, Yi-Yi. And for the record, I think I stand with your father and Uncle Er Kang on the multiple wives bit."

Fu Yi glanced at him in surprise.

MianYi continued, "I of all people know the tragedy that comes from such a situation. As you say, my father abandoned my mother for the woman he loves. I've wondered, what would it have been like had he stayed? Would my mother have been happy? Would I have had the happy childhood I did? Or would it be marred by the constant competition between my mother and XYZ? Marred by my father's conflict over his paternal responsibility for me and his love for XYZ? Would XYZ have stayed? And even if she did, what if she had children? Would I be friends with my siblings? Or would we be mortal enemies? I cannot fathom not being close to my family; I much prefer what I do have. I don't think a person's heart is meant to be split, for men or women. You speak of choice, Yi-Yi, but my father didn't really have a choice, did he? A man's life was at stake. And that man was his love's brother. Sometimes, it's beyond the control of anyone."

Fu Yi insisted, "But that doesn't make it right!"

MianYi agreed, "It really doesn't. But it's the hand fate has dealt us, it's up to us to make the best of it."

Fu Yi threw another pebble, "So what am I supposed to do? Wait patiently until my marriage is appointed to some stranger I've never met? All for the good of connections? I won't. I refuse. I'll run away to DaLi before I let that happen."

MianYi chuckled, "I don't think Grandpa Ai would do that to you. At the very least, he would ask you first. Besides, any man who marries you will have his hands full. You would be more than he could handle; so much so that he would never have the energy for another wife."

Fu Yi returned to glaring at him, "Oh I'm glad you think it's funny."

MianYi just smiled sadly, "It's really not and I know it. But I have faith Yi-Yi, that things will work out for you."

Fu Yi asked, "How can you be so sure?"

MianYi started to reply, "I…" but was interrupted by SaiYa's voice calling for her younger daughter. He coughed and said, "You'd better go. You don't want to keep your mother waiting."

Fu Yi made a face, "She probably wants to go over the ceremony again. Honestly why sister chose to have a combined Mongolian-Manchu wedding I wouldn't know. So much bother." Still, she flew off the tree and started walking away. After three steps, she turned back and smiled gratefully up at MianYi, "Thank you." Then, she yelled a reply to her mother, picked up the hem of her skirt, and ran to find the other women to prepare for the wedding.

MianYi could only look after her retreating figure and wave absently. Before this conversation, he hadn't given much thought to his own marriage. But in speaking with Fu Yi and voicing his thoughts, he realized he wanted the same thing she did; to have one person to love and to hold his whole life. To know the pure joy that he sees between Uncle Er Kang and Aunty ZiWei. To experience the type of passion that allowed his father to choose a different path. As he watched Fu Yi's figure fade from view, he strongly suspected that the person of his wishes had been sitting right next to him on the tree branch.

000000000000

Fu Yi's words for the future soon came to pass. Shortly after the wedding, Grandpa Ai called MianYi into his study one day for a private audience. He first discussed MianYi's essay regarding a recent conflict in the border provinces and then brought up the subject of marriage.

Huang Shang, "Well, Mian Yi, 15 Ah Ge's marriage has reminded me that you and Dong-er are about marriageable age as well. As a prince, you must be matched with someone of suitable background. Tell me, have you given any thought to this matter?"

MianYi replied, "Grandfather, I am in no hurry to be married…"

HS waved away his reply, "Nonsense. You're at the age now. General Li has a daughter about your age I believe. It would be good to have a link to the military to protect our dynasty. What say you?"

MianYi tried again, "Granfather, really, I am not looking for a bride."

HS raised an eyebrow, "Oh really now? Are you telling me that no one has aroused your interest?"

MianYi hesitated, "Well…"

HS nodded, "Ah! So there is someone. If she's from a proper family, I don't see why I can't hear your opinion in this matter. I made a mistake with your father, appointing his marriage to your mother without fully hearing his opinions. I do not wish to repeat it with you."

MianYi replied honest, "Well, there is someone. And I think you would approve, but I don't…I think I would like to speak with her first."

HS raised an eyebrow, "I see…Well, you go do that and let me know. Meanwhile…do you think Dong-er would like General Li's daughter?"

MianYi shook his head, "As for that, I'm afraid you will have to ask Dong-er, grandfather."

HS replied, "Very well. In a week, I hope you will let me know about that lady of yours."

MianYi nodded and bade his grandfather good-day.

When he returned home that day, Zi Wei and Er Kang sensed that something was different, but they did not pry. Instead, they allowed MianYi to go to the tree in the garden. Ever since his talk with Fu Yi, he had chosen it as his thinking spot. And so Fu Yi found him there when she heard he had returned. The two had always been close as children but since their talk, they seemed to grow even closer.

Fu Yi joined MianYi on the tree branch without waiting for an invitation, "MianYi, what is the matter?"

MianYi glanced at her solemnly, "Well Yi Yi, you predicted well, Grandpa Ai asked me regarding my opinions for my marriage today."

Fu Yi blinked, "Oh….Did he have a lady in mind?"

MianYi sighed, "Yes…General Li's daughter."

Fu Yi nodded, "That makes sense. She's from the right background and it would do well to have an alliance with her father. He is well respected by the soldiers. I hear she's also quite the beauty. Are you going to marry her then?"

MianYi shook his head, "No…I…No…"

Fu Yi looked at him, "No?"

MianYi repeated, "No…Yi-Yi, remember our conversation prior to your sister's marriage?"

Fu Yi smiled wryly, "Of course."

MianYi continued, "Remember what you said about wanting your husband to love only you?"

Fu Yi nodded.

MianYi, "Well I happen to agree with you. I also have no wish to marry a stranger. I also wish to be with someone for whom I care deeply, just her."

Fu Yi, "Ah. So there is someone else then. Did you tell the Emperor? I can't imagine him refusing you if she's from the right family."

MianYi looked at her intently, "She is. She is from the right family. She's perfect in every way. I know if I told him, he wouldn't object. But…I'm afraid…"

Fu Yi, "You? Afraid? That's a new one…what are you afraid of?"

MianYi, "I'm afraid…I'm afraid she doesn't feel the same way."

Fu Yi shook her head at him, "Oh you silly. Have you tried asking her? I know it's not really done. But maybe I can help you. It's less awkward if a girl asks her. And for all I'm a tomboy, I'm still a girl. So, tell me who she is. If I know her, I'll definitely help you."

MianYi hesitated, "Well, you definitely know her. One could say you know her better than anyone else."

Fu Yi blinked at him, "What do you mean?"

MianYi took a deep breath and reached for her hands, "Yi-Yi, can you not tell? The girl is you. Ever since our talk in this tree, I've been thinking about it. I've tried to picture my future and somehow, you are always in it, always by my side. I know you want someone to love only you, to care for only you. I so want to be that person. I don't know how it happened, how our friendship became so much more to me. But I do know that what I feel is real. I've been so afraid of losing you, losing our friendship, so I didn't say anything. Now that Grandpa Ai is bringing up the subject of marriage, however, I need to take this chance. I cannot marry anyone but you, but only if you're willing. Yi-Yi, are you? Will you share your life with me?"

Fu Yi pulled her hands away, "MianYi, I…"

MianYi looked away, "I see. It's alright. I'll always be your friend. Know that. We can pretend I never said anything."

Fu Yi shook her head, "MianYi, no, that's not what I meant…I…this is so sudden…I…"

She took a deep breath, "I've been thinking too. Since our talk. About why I always feel so comfortable around you, why I was willing to share my thoughts and dreams with you. About just what kind of man I'd want to spend my life with. And somehow, somehow my thoughts always drift to you. I tried to deny it…."

MianYi turned to look at her hopefully, "Are you saying…"

Fu Yi blushed, "Yes. I'm saying, yes."

A huge grin spread across MianYi's face, "You said yes. You did. I wasn't dreaming, yes? You said yes!"

Fu Yi laughed at his giddiness, "Yes, MianYi." He moved to hug her, but only caused the two of them to lose their balance and start to fall of the tree branch. In panic, he grabbed her into his arms and softly landed both of them on the grass below. She scolded him for forgetting that she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself but made no move to extract herself from his embrace. He just smiled down at the girl in his arms, "No matter. Now that I've caught you, I'm never letting you go." As she smiled up at him, he spun her in a circle, causing her smile to turn into happy laughter.

Fu Yi yelled at him to stop, though her words were punctuated with breathless laughter, "MianYi, enough, you're making me dizzy!"

MianYi finally stopped his spinning and gently set her on her feet, "I'm just so happy, I feel like I'm floating."

Fu Yi smiled at him, "Me too. Though, MianYi, don't you find it rather ironic?"

MianYi looked at her questioningly, "Ironic?"

Fu Yi nodded, "Yes, from what Grandpa Ai says, my obsession with martial arts was quite like XYZ was, though he did say I do make more of an effort with book learning. And you are often compared to your father. Isn't it ironic that we should find each other? Like father like son?"

MianYi looked at her thoughtfully before breaking our into a large grin, "No, Yi Yi. Not irony. Fate."

Fu Yi gazed back at him and repeated, "Fate…yes, perhaps it is."

Laughing, she flew back up into their tree branch, causing him to join her. He reached for her hands again and this time, she didn't pull back but rather rested her head on his shoulder. As the couple watched the sun set, MianYi could help but send a thought towards his father, "See father, your wish came to pass. I have found my own happiness, without having to choose between love and duty. Thank you. Fate has been kind to me. I hope she has been kind to you as well."


	7. Sunshine: ZiWei

AN: I told myself when I first started writing that the stories are mostly for my own enjoyment, but that was before I saw the wonderful reviews. So thank you to everyone for reading my ramblings! This particular story is for Sharance, who shares my love for ErKang/Ziwei stories. Their courtship is not as tumultuous as that of Yongqi/XYZ but their devotion to each other always moves me and was the reason I got sucked into the show. What can I say, I'm a romantic at heart, and you can't get more romantic than 'shan wu leng, tian di he, cai gan yu jun jue'

Sunshine – ZiWei

ZiWei had always been a sensitive child. As a girl, she spent much time within the protective walls of her home. Not that well-bred young ladies of her station would normally be spending time rambling about town, not even a town as beautiful as Jinan. But ZiWei knew the darkness that lay beyond the physical boundaries of the courtyard. She remembered the only time she went to the market-place with her mother, her beautiful and talented but always sorrowful mother who seemed more than content to live out her days in the seclusion of their home. But even her mother could not refuse the small child's month-long pleas to experience the world outside, if only for a little bit. She remembered the wide-eyed wonder with which she regarded the bright colors, the noisy calls of vendors, and the overwhelming rush of people. She had clung tight to her mother's hand, for surely a young girl of five would be easily lost in this hustle and bustle, but found to her surprise that it wasn't needed. Wherever Xia Yu He walked, silence followed. The townspeople gave mother and daughter a wide berth so they never had to fight their way through the crowd. Even before the whispers started, ZiWei knew the parting of the crowd wasn't because of reverence, though the Xia family was part of the local gentry. Even before ZiWei heard the word 'whore' directed at her mother, she knew they were not wanted. But still her mother walked on, her head held high, the only sign of her discomfort was in the tight grip with which she held ZiWei's hand. Her daughter wanted to see the town and Xia Yu He was not about to disappoint the one ray of sunshine in her rather miserable life. When they were once again safely ensconced in the parlor of their home, ZiWei could sense the tension ebbing out from her mother's petite frame. She quickly kissed her mother's cheek, whispered 'thank you, mama,' and quietly withdrew to her favorite place in the garden. Sitting in the padoga, ZiWi paid no attention to the bright koi in her family's pond, instead, she reflected on the unfairness of the day. ZiWei loved her mother, who was always so patient and kind, even when ZiWei played wrong notes on the zither for the millionth time or smudged the paper when practicing her calligraphy. The child didn't understand why the townspeople could be so mean to someone who had done them no wrong. But ZiWei knew that she had never admired her mother more and vowed to show the same kind of strength. Nonetheless, never again did she ask to go into town.

As ZiWei grew older, she understood more the nature of her mother's perceived wrong. She learned the importance of a woman's virtue and the impact one decision could have on a whole family's fortunes. She learned of the reasons behind her grandparents' death; her grandmother's sorrow proved too great for her mind and her grandfather's anguish too strong for his heart. She learned to bear the condescension of her 'uncle,' who really was just her mother's cousin and who had always been upset that the family's resources were all left to Yu He instead of him. She learned to hide her hurt and sorrow behind a smiling face and to keep forgiveness in her heart. She bore the burden alone and buried her resentments deep. For her mother's sake, she fought to maintain a sense of peace, to be her mother's sunshine. She fought so hard that it became who she was. Despite her acknowledgement of the darkness that existed, she refused to let it claim her. Instead, she sought to understand the reasons for others' actions. Above all, she stayed strong and hoped with all her soul that her belief in the goodness of others was not misplaced.

She knew JinSuo, dear capable JinSuo, saw her as someone to be looked after, someone who was naïve and forgave too easily. And perhaps JinSuo was right, perhaps ZiWei did give of herself and shouldered the blame too easily. The Empress certainly thought of ZiWei as a weakling, someone who she could not only walk over, but squash with those tall shoes of hers with little effort. But ZiWei knew better. ZiWei saw the ill treatments for what they really were; the bitterness of a lonely woman who lacked the strength and goodness ZiWei's mother had. So, ZiWei carried on and bore it all patiently. Her attackers didn't truly know her or understand her; they were behaving out of ignorance. After all, ZiWei knew that even Xiao Yan Zi, loud boisterous Xiao Yan Zi, who never thought before she leapt but whose heart was always in the right place, sometimes still saw ZiWei as a dainty flower that needed protection.

In the end, none of it mattered so much since ZiWei had the love of the one person who saw her clearly. ZiWei knew that ErKang understood her, that they understood each other on a level that countless life and death situations only served to reinforce. She knew he could and would protect her, always, to the best of his abilities. But she also knew that he saw her strength and appreciated her for it. He was also the only one who saw her true moments of fragility. In turn, she saw his insecurities and was his rock. At first glance, they seemed quite typical of couples of their day; he, the intelligent and dutiful son and subject who could be, and was, relied on to complete any given task to perfection, and she, the talented and knowledgeable lady who was gentler than the smoothest silk. But the role of protector and protected was really not so simple. Beneath his outward strength, Er Kang was conflicted; he admitted to her that he never recognized his own insecurities until meeting her, never felt he trusted someone enough to reveal those weaknesses. He confessed that his pride was easily wounded and his emotions, especially regarding her, easily stirred. He had doubts that came from the disparity between the realities of court and the idealisms of his education, doubts regarding the ability of people to act on good principals and for unselfish reasons. It was she who pushed him to examine motives in the scope of the person's experiences, to dig deeper for reasons behind someone's actions, to understand others not only based on their actions but also based on the environment around them. It was she who reassured him when he felt powerless, she who shared his burdens when his frustrations at the rigidity of their society made him restless. She was his sunshine.

But unlike with her mother, ZiWei knew being Er Kang's sunshine was completely different. Yu He's whole life seemed shrouded in a gray cloud that needed constant brightening. But with Er Kang, ZiWei could let that light dim because she could rely on him to lend her strength. With him, she did not feel the need to hide behind lofty thoughts or poetic words for he always saw her meaning. One day, when they were reminiscing of the first time he laid bare his feelings, he asked who she had meant when she said there were people she wanted to protect by leaving. She had merely smiled at him and he had nodded gratefully before claiming her lips with his own. For they both knew it wasn't just Xiao Yan Zi she wanted to protect, not even just the lives of the Fu family or Wu Ah Ge. It was her heart and his. Even before JinSuo made her comment regarding the way Er Kang looked at her, she had felt something. At first it was gratefulness, then it was admiration, before finally the feelings of love. No matter how much she tried to ignore it, to tell herself that it was a futile road that led only to pain, she couldn't stop the blossoming emotions. She tried to reason with herself, tried to reason with him. She had even left to try to avoid taking that path, to avoid repeating her mother's mistake. But when she heard the sound of the galloping horse, when she saw the anguish, determination, and hope in his face, her strength cracked. She couldn't help but fling her arms around him and let his strength engulf her. After the initial elation of their reunion, however, she tried again to repair the crack in her strength. Even so, she could not look at him as she stubbornly refused to return; she couldn't bear to see the hurt, the disappointment. When he continually stood firm and declared that he only wanted her in his life, the crack spread until she let his determination to fight fate overtake her. As they rode from Yo Yo Gu towards Xiao Yan Zi and the others, she couldn't help but feel safe in his arms. When he told her that she didn't have to be strong alone anymore, she was shocked and only their position on the horse prevented her from staring at him in shock. But Er Kang understood. He merely held her hands tighter as ZiWei breathed out a long sigh of contentment. For in his arms, she had found home and a sanctuary. In him, she had found her own sunshine.


	8. Worth: Xiao Yan Zi (XYZ)

AN: I have a hard time writing XYZ/YQ stories since their relationship is difficult for me to figure out. It's easy to share XiaoJian's concern about the two of them living together, especially since they never seem to talk about their relationship much. So, my brain came up with this story. The characters are probably out of character, especially XYZ, but I think it's a conversation that XYZ and Yongqi really should have. Besides, in my mind, XYZ is always more thoughtful than people give her credit for.

Worth – Xiao Yan Zi

Xiao Yan Zi was usually not one for introspection; she was much too busy living life and getting into all kinds of trouble. Not that she intended to get into trouble; trouble just always seems to find her. It also just really wasn't something with which she's had much practice. When she was young, she had been much too focused on just surviving life, whether it was running away from abusive masters or just trying to keep warm against the bitter cold BeiJing winters. After she met and was taken in by Liu Qing and Liu Hong, she also gained all the elderly folks and the young children at Da Za Yuan for whom to provide. Though she gained the stability of an odd sort of family, life still wasn't easy. Though she was but a child herself, she had younger children who depended on her for the basic necessities of life. So what if she had to steal? The children could not go hungry. Besides, after she met Zi Wei, she could always leave the worrying and over-analyzing to her sworn sister. Even after she entered the Palace, her practical approach to life did not change. That her spirited behavior gained the Emperor's favor was just more positive reinforcement for her to continue as she always had.

But the day before her wedding, as she sat in the Shu Feng Zhai for a rare moment of quietness and looked around at the familiar surroundings, she found herself remembering all that had happened in the past few years. ZiWei, seeing this uncharacteristic behavior, joined her at the table and asked curiously, "XYZ, what is going on in that crazy mind of yours?"

XYZ sighed and replied, "I was just wondering, after all that has happened, why Yongqi still wants to marry me."

ZiWei blinked and then spoke from the heart, "XYZ, it's a bit late for this question, don't you think? Besides, you've asked something similar before, remember? When he first declared his feelings for you, you kept me up all night with your mutterings about your worth and what he saw in you… I've always wondered, why do you want to marry him?"

XYZ nodded, "Yes I remember. The thing is, he really confuses me, and I don't like being confused. There are so many things to admire about him; his knowledge, his martial arts skills. Most of all, no matter what, he's always been so good to me. You know I grew up without a proper family and to have someone care for me that much, well, I've never experienced anything like it. And for that someone to be someone like him…well…I don't know. Am I worth it? Especially since I know I haven't always appreciated him….Do you know, when we were discussing whether or not to return to the Palace, he said that he would go wherever I wanted, on just one condition."

ZiWei asked curiously, "Oh? And what was that?"

XYZ replied, "That's just it. I thought he would make me promise not to steal anymore persimmons or something like that, but he just wanted said that no matter how angry I got and how much we fought, I could never threaten to leave him again. And, I don't know. I guess I just didn't realize how much he feared losing me until that moment. And I thought he knew that my threats are just words of anger. I don't think I really could just leave. I just can't help but wonder why he's so willing to put up with me. He could have any girl he wants, and yet, he chose me. Why would he do something so stupid?"

ZiWei said thoughfully "I don't think you can call his decision stupid. Illogical perhaps, but certainly not stupid….Yongqi loves you, and love is never really that logical…Do you know, your brother had asked me once, whether I thought you and Yongqi were well-matched. He was worried that the drastic differences between your backgrounds were irreconcilable and would only cause both of you misery. And I didn't quite know what to say. I tried to reassure him, but I think in part I was reassuring myself as well. I'd like to believe that love can conquer all obstacles and that your feelings for each other will allow you two to always make up after any fight. But I must say, over the years, I've had my moments of doubts too. "

XYZ was surprised, "You have?"

ZiWei nodded, "Yes. Every time you two fought, I always saw Yongqi giving in to you. No matter what the cause of the argument, he was always the one to apologize first. You never really seemed to give an inch. I saw Yongqi using so much energy to take care of you, to understand you, and to let you keep your independence, but you never really seemed to care about his concerns. You are my sister, so I was on your side. But he's also my brother and I can understand the struggles he has undergone to be with you. To tell the truth, I worried now and then that someday Yongqi's patience will run out or that you will actually follow through on your threats and leave all of us."

XYZ blinked, "See. If even you worry, what hope do we have? Are we making a mistake, getting married? Can I really live in this guilded cage? You'll be gone and I don't begrudge you your happiness, but I don't know if I can…"

ZiWei took XYZ's hands in her own, "XYZ, is Yongqi worth it?"

Without hesitation, XYZ nodded, "Yes. He is. But ZiWei, am I?"

ZiWei asked wonderingly, "I never thought you liked such deep introspection."

XYZ sighed, "I'm usually not, but…I can't help it. I've avoided thinking about it, but now with everything happening so fast, I can't help but worry… Goodness, I'm turning into you!"

ZiWei chuckled but said seriously, "XYZ. If you feel this unsettled, you should talk to Yongqi. I think you two are similar in that you both project self-confidence to the world, but in reality, you're both worried about your worth to each other."

XYZ sighed, "I hate talking about feelings…but … do you really think I should?"

ZiWei nodded, "You two are about to spend the rest of your lives together. If you don't talk about this now, when will you actually do it? It's not like you can talk about it during the wedding day."

XYZ reluctantly nodded, "I guess that means I should make my way to Jin Yang Gong."

When the servants announced Huan Zhu Ge Ge's arrival, Yongqi was caught by surprise. He can count on one hand the number of times she sought him out, mostly because she was in some sort of trouble and needed his help. His worry was compounded by the unusually serious expression on her face and his fear of losing her rose to the surface.

"XYZ! Is everything alright?! You haven't changed your mind, have you?"

XYZ shook her head, "No. I'm fine. ZiWei's fine. Actually she's the one who insisted I come…Yongqi, I have a very important question for you."

Yongqi's brows furrowed together, "What is it? You're really worrying me now."

XYZ sighed, "Why do you want to marry me? I bring no fortune, no connections. Just heaps of trouble. I can barely read, I couldn't even protect ZiWei, I'm irresponsible, I never say the right thing, all I do is fight with you, I…"

Yongqi quickly silenced her with his hand, "XYZ! What brought this on? Of course I want to marry you!"

XYZ insisted, "But …" only to be silenced by him again.

Yongqi: "XYZ. Let me finish. You're right, you have your faults. But then, so do I. We come from drastically different backgrounds, but I see that as what makes us unique and special. I'm not entering this marriage blindly. I know it'll take work and patience, but XYZ, you're worth it. I don't know what it is about you, but you're worth it. I've lived all my life being the favored son, the privileged A Ge. But you remind me that I'm not the center of the universe, that there are other ways of living, that life does not fit in nice little boxes. You remind me that it's ok to make mistakes, that it's alright to laugh, to cry, to feel. You make me want to be a better person, to conquer my selfishness so that I can be worthy of you."

XYZ felt her eyes tearing up, "Yongqi…there, now you've made me cry…ZiWei is such a bad influence… I'm not that wonderful. But you, you have so much talent, so much knowledge, so willing to change for me. ZiWei told me that she always sees you apologizing, always you trying to make up after our fights. And she's right. I've taken you for granted. If anyone's selfish it's me. It's my selfishness that gave Zi Wei such a hard time getting her rightful place. My selfishness that caused everyone to almost lose their lives countless times. My selfishness that you had to face the choice of leaving everything behind. And I know I don't say this much, but I am so grateful to have you in my life. I promised to be a new XYZ for you, and I really meant it. I may be irresponsible and impulsive, but I always keep my promises. It's just …Yongqi, I'm so afraid…I'm afraid I won't ever be good enough. And I don't like being afraid. It makes me cranky."

Yongqi hugged her to him, "Silly XYZ, have no fear, you're already good enough…If I told you I'm afraid too, would you think less of me?"

XYZ pulled away, "What are you afraid of?"

Yongqi replied earnestly, "I'm afraid that one day you'll lose your patience with all the restrictions in this Palace. I'm afraid that you'll decide that losing your independence is not worth it, that I'm not worth it. I'm afraid that you'll really leave one day and now give me the opportunity to follow."

XYZ smiled, "Now who's being silly? You should know by now, I only say those things, I don't actually mean them. You're stuck with me for life."

Yongqi smiled, "There, that's the XYZ I know and love."

XYZ suddenly groaned, "Oh bother."

Yongqi asked, "What?"

XYZ, "ZiWei was right."

Yongqi remained mystified, "Right about what?"

XYZ answered, "She said that despite our confident exterior, inside we're both pretty insecure."

Yongqi laughed, "If I've learned anything from our adventures, it's that ZiWei is usually right. Er Kang too, we're blessed to have friends like them... Doesn't mean we have to tell her though."

XYZ agreed, "Of course. I've got a reputation to keep after all. I am Xiao Yan Zi. I'm not afraid of anything, and I dare anyone to suggest differently." She thought for a moment and then added, "Maybe except you. I think you're proven your worth."

Yongqi just shook his head and laughed along with her.


	9. Brothers: Yongqi and XiaoJian

AN: It seems when my muse returns, she returns with a vengeance. Another conversation that I think should have happened sometimes during HZGG. Perhaps not quite in this way, but just happened at all.

Brothers: Yongqi and XiaoJian

The day after the Emperor finally announced the date of the double wedding, Yongqi went by himself to seek out XiaoJian. He entered the bustling Hui Bing Lo only to be informed by Liu Hong that XiaoJian had stepped out to visit friends nearby but would be back soon. When Yongqi told her that he would wait, Liu Hong nodded, tried hard to hide her curiosity, and directed Yongqi to XiaoJian's room. So it was that when XiaoJian returned, he found Yongqi pacing back and forth with a clear sign of nervousness.

Thinking the worst, XiaoJian immediately asked, "Yongqi! What brings you here? Where is everyone else? Is Xiao Yan Zi ok?"

Yongqi turned to the sound of XiaoJian's voice and nodded, "Xiao Yan Zi is fine. Last I saw her, she was with Qing-er and ZiWei, playing with Xiao Pian Zi (XYZ's parrot)…I came alone today because, well, I wanted to ask you something."

At hearing that his sister was alright, XiaoJian visibly relaxed and gestured towards the table and chairs in the room, "Why don't we sit and you ask me. I for one need some tea to warm up from being outside."

Yongqi nodded and thanked XiaoJian for pouring an additional cup. He sat nursing the drink, staring intently at the tea leaves in his cup.

It was XiaoJian who broke the awkward silence, "Well, Yongqi, what did you need to ask?"

Yongqi finally looked up and said, "XiaoJian, we haven't always gotten along. And I know as Xiao Yan Zi's brother, you probably don't think I'm good enough for your sister. But, Huang Ah Ma has finally decided on our wedding date and has invited you, Liu Qin, Liu Hong, and Jin Suo to attend."

XiaoJian looked startled, "I thought outsiders were not allowed to enter the Palace?"

Yongqi smiled wryly, "You'll discover that normal Palace rules never really apply where Xiao Yan Zi is concerned. And she would definitely want you there, as her family."

XiaoJian nodded, "We'll definitely be there…But you came for another purpose, did you not?"

Yongqi nodded and took a deep breath, "Yes…I came to ask for your blessing. I probably should have asked you as soon as you told us of your true relationship with Xiao Yan Zi, but so many things were happening, there never seemed a good moment. Now that HAM has finally decided on a date, I can't put it off anymore. And since you are the only blood family XYZ has left, I felt it right to ask you."

XiaoJian stared pensively at the younger man, causing Yongqi to fidget. After a long pause, he asked, "Does XYZ know you're here today?"

Yongqi shook his head, "No, she has no idea. And I don't plan on telling her. This is something I must do for myself."

XiaoJian asked curiously, "Why?"

Yongqi sighed, "Because I know XYZ loves you and looks up to you. She truly cares for your opinion. And I do too. It took me a long while to admit to it, but you are in many ways a better man than I am. It's just that in my arrogance and my misplaced jealousy, I refused to accept that truth. And I was very jealous, not just because of XYZ, but also because everyone else depended on you so much and welcomed you with open arms. Even Er Kang would defer to you. You were the savior we couldn't do without and me, I was relegated to the background. I was not used to feeling so helpless and was unwilling to admit to myself that my fear also stemmed from a sudden lack of authority and control. I know I still have that streak of arrogance in me, but I truly care for XYZ and want her to be happy. For her sake, I know I need to quell this pride. I also know she would want us to be friends. And I thought, since we're soon to be brothers, that I would just like to start off right this time."

Xiao Jian looked at Yongqi's earnest face and spoke carefully, "Yongqi, I won't lie to you, I have long held doubts about you and Xiao Yan Zi as a couple. Not because I looked down at you, but because you two come from such different worlds. I once asked ZiWei if she truly thought you two could be happy together. And she told me that love makes anything possible, that it can bridge the greatest differences. But I still doubted, perhaps because I have experienced not such a love and perhaps because in my eyes, Xiao Yan Zi will always be my baby sister…What you ask for, it's not that simple for me to give…"

Yongqi let out a soft breath, "I suppose not…for you have seen me at my worst, seen my jealousy, seen my weakness…But XiaoJian, I really care for XiaoYanZi, and if you'll just tell me how, I will earn your blessings."

Xiao Jian smiled softly, "You misunderstand me, Yongqi. I do not doubt your love for my sister. I have seen how hard you tried to change for her. Perhaps the moment that really let me accept you two as a couple was when Er Kang returned with ZiWei after XYZ had lost her. Even though we all knew XYZ was at fault, you still stood by her and gave her comfort. And she...you were the one she turned to. For all that she looked up to me, when she suffered heartache, you were her balm. My sister, she's not the more mature person nor is she one likely to talk about her emotions relating to matters of the heart, even I can admit that, but by her actions, I can tell how much she cares for you and depends on you. Sometimes, I wonder if she truly understand or even knows how much she needs you… But whether or not she does, you still give of yourself….And in some ways, I can understand your struggles. You love XiaoYanZi for being the way she is, but you have also lived your life fulfilling the expectations of others, especially those of your family. And even though you don't want XYZ to change, you know she must to fit into your world. In some ways, in your confused way, you're trying to protect her. As a brother who has not been there for his sister, how can I not approve of someone who has been her protector and her safety net?"

Yongqi frowned, "Then what is it that's making my request difficult?"

Xiao Jian took a sip of tea and tried to think of how to formulate his reply… "In my travels with all of you, I have had a lot of time to think about what you all mean to each other. The love ZiWei and ErKang share is one that can literally move heaven and earth. The love between you and XYZ, though it took me longer to see, is also there. Jin Suo is completely devoted to ZiWei. Liu Qing and Liu Hong are true friends; they did not ask for details but were endlessly loyal. Even ErKang, for all that he doesn't really understand her, would tease XYZ like an older sibling would. But I could not quite see what the relationship was like between ZiWei and you. For all that you were blood brother and sister (and anyone who meets ZiWei and doesn't believe she's HS's daughter must truly be blind or an idiot), you didn't quite act that way…In some ways, you and I, we have opposite experiences with our sisters. I have known of mine my whole life and have been actively searching for her. Whereas you, you had no idea of ZiWei's existence but she found you anyways. Nontheless, we're both older brothers, and we have responsibilities to our sisters. Perhaps you who grew up with countless half-siblings cannot quite appreciate what it means to want to do everything in your power to protect your family."

Yongqi blinked in surprise at XiaoJian's unexpected reply, "You're not giving me your blessings because you think I have not been a good enough brother?"

XiaoJian tilted his head in thought, "Perhaps not quite. It's just that I wonder what kind of family XYZ is marrying into if this is how siblings are like with each other. No matter how much she loves you, she is one of those people who need to have contact with others. Because she grew up without a family, she will hold family close to her heart."

Yongqi took a sip of his tea and then said pensively, "I think I can see that. It's one of the big reasons Er Kang wanted to marry ZiWei as soon as possible; he wanted to remove her from all the competitiveness that goes on in the Palace…You're right in that growing up as I did, I did not think much about emotional ties between siblings. In a way, I never dared to, because I didn't know if my siblings truly wanted to be friends with me or because I was one of those favored by HAM. The only true friend I had was Er Tai and, after Er Tai left to marry SaiYa, Er Kang to a lesser extent. But Er Kang had always been the older one, the more responsible, more logical one. He had been set as an example for both me and Er Tai since we were young, the model young man that the Qing dynasty could be proud of. I think in his eyes, I will always be his kid brother's best friend. And in a way, I think that's why I can trust in our friendship, because he doesn't see my status so much and feels free to reprimand me. But at the same time, it also means I got used to having Er Kang in charge. With Zi Wei, it's the same. I have such belief in Er Kang's ability to take care of everything that I know I can trust Zi Wei to him. Make no mistake, I too care about my sister very much. I think anyone who meets ZiWei will eventually be won over by her goodness. But with Er Kang in her life, I knew she wouldn't need me. From the very beginning, he had been her rock, her shelter, her heart's home. And me? What could I do that Er Kang could not do better? You speak of wanting to protect your sister, and I can understand that. But in my case, ZiWei does not need my protection. Am I proud to be her brother? Of course! I am constantly humbled by her almost angelic goodness and her endless patience. And because of that, I am grateful she is marrying someone like Er Kang, someone who can remove her from the Palace and keep her safe. But XYZ, she's another story. She burst into my life with no warning. She singlehandedly overturned everything I had been brought up to believe in; status, wealth, philosophy, it all meant nothing to her. She cared nothing for hidden motives and implied meanings that are the norm at court. She, unlike ZiWei, really needed me. And I find that I need to be needed, and perhaps that was another reason for all my moody behavior. In the Palace, I had the power, the means to protect XYZ. But in the world out here, the real world, I could barely take care of myself."

Suddenly realizing that he had been ranting, Yongqi blushed and apologized to Xiao Jian, "I'm sorry, I have digressed."

To his surprised, XiaoJian smiled, a true smile, "It seems, Yongqi, that I have underestimated you. You speak of stepping aside for your sister because she already has someone to take care of her…that is something I am still learning to do. It's difficult to admit that I am not the sole man in my sister's life. But I trust in you to take good care of her." He chuckled, "I had told ZiWei that if you ever did wrong by XYZ, I would not hesitate seek vengeance. ZiWei had laughed and said that the chance of XYZ hurting you was far more likely. And I think I understand that now….Yongqi, you have my blessing. I know I can trust you to understand the responsibility you have been given."

Yongqi nodded, "Thank you Xiao Jian, it truly means a lot to me. And I promise you, you needn't worry about XYZ in the Palace. She has a way of ripping away the false pretenses, just by being her. It made Huang Hou Niang Niang her early enemy, true, but it endeared her to all my siblings. Ling Fei Niang Niang and Qing Er told me that the fateful day that XYZ and ZiWei were to be executed, all the Ah Ge's and Ge Ge's knelt in front of HAM and begged him to spare them. In all my life, I have never known all my siblings to agree on anything. Even 12-Ah-Ge, Huang Hou Niang Niang's son, joined in their pleas. If ZiWei inspires friendships by her goodness, then XYZ does the same with her openness. She has even managed to win over Lao Fuo Ye. Because of her, my entire family is changing to be, well, more like a family. And, I have not told anyone this yet, but I plan to work hard so that HAM will elevate my title to that of a Qin Wang, not for the sake of the title, but for the property rights that comes with it. Then, I can follow Er Kang's lead and remove my beloved from the Palace. I promise you that I will free her from that gilded prison. I will not be the one to clip her wings."

XiaoJian nodded in acceptance, "Well then, my brother, why do we not go downstairs for some wine? I feel like celebrating…my little sister is getting married soon after all! Also, I'm sure Liu Hong would want to know that we have not killed each other!"

Yongqi smiled back, feeling a great burden shed.


End file.
